[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to start to finish motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single.
[00:00:09] Speaker B: Mothers by choice, just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on.
[00:00:15] Speaker A: Your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins, and I'm partnering with.
[00:00:21] Speaker B: You every step of your journey.
[00:00:25] Speaker A: I realized that there's a lot of things in my past that motivate the way that I experience the world, the.
[00:00:34] Speaker C: Way that I navigate the world.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: And these are significant things. And when I think about how I.
[00:00:42] Speaker C: Parent my girls, my approach to adult.
[00:00:44] Speaker A: Friendships, my approach to meeting people, a lot of my past matters.
[00:00:54] Speaker C: I wanted to share a bit of.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: That with you so that as you listen and seek advice from me, that you understand the lens through which I operate and from which the advice comes.
I mention bits and pieces of my story here and there in various spaces and on various podcasts, but I've never really told the story in its entirety. And to be honest, I'm not going.
[00:01:21] Speaker C: To do that now. There are many layers to this story.
[00:01:25] Speaker A: And a lot of the good stuff.
[00:01:27] Speaker C: Impacts me as a single mother by.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: Choice and impacts how I parent my girls. So I think that it's important to those who follow this podcast.
My origin story my mom had me when she was really young, early teens. I didn't fully grasp that until I became an adult. What that meant for my mom, the sacrifices and the way that she showed up for me.
[00:01:56] Speaker C: My mom passed away when I was.
[00:01:58] Speaker A: About 15 or 16 and she was 32. Now, there's something that happens to a.
[00:02:04] Speaker C: Young person who suffers a significant loss.
[00:02:07] Speaker A: And the loss of a primary caregiver at such a young age is considered.
[00:02:12] Speaker C: A pure, pretty significant loss.
[00:02:14] Speaker A: It's a loss of safety. It's a loss of person who knew you best. It's a loss of your compass.
[00:02:21] Speaker C: To some extent, I lost my safety net.
[00:02:25] Speaker A: Now, as I proceed with my story, there are three ages that are significant to me, and I really didn't make the connection until I started talking with therapists. 13 is significant for me. That is the year that I lost my stepdad and my life took a traumatic turn. And there is 32, the age at which my mom reached and passed away. And then there's 37, the age that I decided to become a single mother by choice.
Growing up, my life was a mix of academic achievement and success, youth mischief and adventures with my siblings, and domestic violence.
[00:03:11] Speaker C: And there was low key drug use.
[00:03:13] Speaker A: Each of those my academic I was a very bright child.
[00:03:19] Speaker C: I was in gifted and talented programs.
[00:03:21] Speaker A: They invited my mom to skip me. My mom decided not to have me skip a grade. I participated in a number of travel contests, academic contests. I had awards. I had trophies. It was a real fun time in my academic life.
I had a number of siblings, and so with that many siblings, I was, like, one of seven. We would get into trouble. We would have a grand time. We would have royal fights, and we.
[00:03:55] Speaker C: Had a lot of independence at that time.
[00:03:57] Speaker A: It was cool. Lots of youthful adventures, angst, and all the things that comes with having a large family and then domestic violence.
[00:04:08] Speaker C: My stepdad, we believe, had an undiagnosed mental illness.
[00:04:13] Speaker A: He was an equal opportunity abuser. My mom was a domestic violence victim. There were oftentimes that she would grab myself and my younger siblings and would leave, and we would spend weeks staying with relatives or friends, and that was a part of my upbringing.
[00:04:31] Speaker C: And then low key drug use. My parents were children of the sixties.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: And seventies, and there were drugs, whether it be marijuana or the harder stuff, but my parents were really good at.
[00:04:44] Speaker C: Shielding us from that.
[00:04:45] Speaker A: We didn't get to see a lot of what was going on behind the scenes, you know, drugs did play a significant role.
[00:04:54] Speaker C: I grew up in east New York.
[00:04:55] Speaker A: Brooklyn, which was the epicenter of the crack epidemic, the beginning stages.
[00:05:00] Speaker C: We were probably gone by the time.
[00:05:03] Speaker A: It got really bad. So that was my growing up.
[00:05:06] Speaker C: I grew up in a blended family.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: I was one of seven children at the time. My mom met my stepdad.
[00:05:13] Speaker C: My mom had already had myself and my younger sister. My stepdad had three girls and one.
[00:05:18] Speaker A: Boy, and together they had two more children, one boy and one girl. When my mom and my stepdad got.
[00:05:26] Speaker C: Together, I was the oldest of my.
[00:05:28] Speaker A: Mom'S children, but I was younger than all of my step siblings. That created an interesting dynamic with the kids. I had immediately become the outcast, and I remain so till this day. And it is what it is, I think, that you grow into whatever familial.
[00:05:48] Speaker C: Roles you end up with, and it.
[00:05:50] Speaker A: Does impact who you become and the things that you give weight to. I love my siblings, and growing up with them provided many benefits, but there.
[00:05:58] Speaker C: Were some tough times realizing you are.
[00:06:01] Speaker A: The outcasts and what that does to you and how that forces you to grow in different ways.
We had many misadventures, and we bonded. And to this day, I love my sisters dearly. Say that my stepdad did die when I was 13 of drug related causes, and that really threw my home life into a pretty precarious tailspin.
We lived in a single family home, and we had lost our provider and our protector. That makes things really scary. My mom, at the time of my stepdad's death, went into a deep depression. It was hard to pull her out of it. We were still pretty young, preteens and teens and even younger and just trying to survive. And drugs did end up being a. That my mom used. So that meant that we did have strangers in and out of the house. And it is amazing that we made it through relatively unscathed and unimpacted and untouched by what was entering our home. Now, I will say what saved us kind of was one of my younger siblings got really sick with scarlet fever, and none of the adults were going.
[00:07:23] Speaker C: To call the ambulance.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: So one of my older sisters called the ambulance, which triggered a call to.
[00:07:29] Speaker C: BCW Bureau of Child Welfare.
[00:07:32] Speaker A: And they came and got all of the kids rounded us up, and, I mean, they were searching the neighborhood for us. I remember I was out with one of my other sisters, just roaming the neighborhood because we were free and independent. That's what we did back in those days. And they rounded us up and we ended up going into a group home intake, a temporary group home. At that time, my two younger siblings went into temporary foster care. And so let me take a step back and say that one of the key goals of the foster care system is reunification and trying to keep family units together.
[00:08:06] Speaker C: And that was one of their goals.
[00:08:08] Speaker A: With my. Even with the number of siblings we had, there were four of us that ended up in a group home and two that ended up in foster care.
[00:08:17] Speaker C: Throughout the time, we did have face.
[00:08:20] Speaker A: To face visits with each other. Eventually, my mom did get better, so we had face to face visits with my mom. There was talk of reunification. Even through all that was going on.
[00:08:30] Speaker C: Reunification did not happen. My mom ended up taking a turn for the worse with her health and.
[00:08:35] Speaker A: Ended up in hospice care. And the agency that we were attached.
[00:08:39] Speaker C: To made sure that we got to see my mom.
[00:08:42] Speaker A: It was gut wrenching. It was really terribly hard. But the system kind of came through for us. They made sure that we had the support that we needed and the therapy and made sure that we stayed on track in school. There was a lot that happened, but to the credit, we were not straight kids, and everyone knew it. We were only in the system because our parents passed away.
[00:09:09] Speaker C: When you enter group homes, we all.
[00:09:11] Speaker A: Hear the horror stories of things that can happen in group homes. And honestly, we didn't really experience a.
[00:09:17] Speaker C: Whole lot of that. We ended up in a group home.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: That was in the suburbs of Queens. And I was able to go to school. My siblings were able to go to school, and so was fairly a tame environment. Now, that's not to say that you did not understand underbelly, that there were some people who were there for pretty terrible reasons and terrible circumstances and were quite vulnerable. I said earlier that I had lost my safety net, but my sisters and I had always had safety in numbers. Wherever we went, there was always four or five of us, so we were majority. And whether or not we got along at home prior to taking a turn.
[00:10:00] Speaker C: We were still siblings, and we loved.
[00:10:02] Speaker A: Each other, and we looked out for each other, and so we always had safety in numbers.
So let me take a step back. And when my mom passed away, I had to write her eulogy, and I delivered her eulogy, and that was gut wrenching. And I don't think that I fully, fully saw my mom as a person and a grown adult woman until I reached 32 and look back on all that had transpired in my life, to think about all that had transpired in her life. And added to that, she had six children and a partner to care for by the time she was 32. And to lose your partner and have.
[00:10:55] Speaker C: Still six children to care for and.
[00:10:58] Speaker A: No real income, I could see how that would throw someone into a tailspin. So I definitely look back on my mom as a person with a totally different and softer lens.
Now, a little bit about why I love teachers, why I am a proponent of public schools, because this does come up quite a bit as single mothers by choice and having to make all of the decisions, you have to be really clued in on what your why is.
I was very bright when I was in school, and so when my life took a turn, so did my academics, because I was not as focused. There was a lot going on that I had to deal with that I didn't talk about. And when I was going through all of the academic competitions, my teachers, the.
[00:11:52] Speaker C: School, really got to know me.
[00:11:53] Speaker A: They got to invest in me. And I would say, to my mom's credit, that's one of the things that.
[00:11:57] Speaker C: She did really well.
[00:11:58] Speaker A: My mom took me as far as she could in terms of academics, in terms of nurturing my education, and then she leaned on trusted adults, and those trusted adults were my teachers, and so they were invested in me.
[00:12:12] Speaker C: And when things started to take a.
[00:12:14] Speaker A: Turn for the worse, I trusted them. I shared with them because we were showing up to school late, because we needed to make breakfast at school and made sure that we got a good, solid meal, because sometimes that was the only meal that we got. And when I was showing up disheveled and unfocused, I finally had to share with my teachers what was going on.
[00:12:36] Speaker C: In my home life.
[00:12:37] Speaker A: And my teachers really came together and really supported me and provided a safe space for me. And, I mean, these teachers were men, women, and they were black, white, Latin. They became my rock, and they came out of pocket. They spent time, and they really shielded me in a way that was not, like, creepy.
[00:13:02] Speaker C: In a way that was not like, oh, you poor thing. They had invested in me as a.
[00:13:07] Speaker A: Person and as a student of their school. So when I think about teachers today and I think about the public schools.
[00:13:16] Speaker C: I think about those teachers and how.
[00:13:18] Speaker A: They reached in and they saved me, and I am forever grateful. Grateful. And so I lean into the public school system. I lean into supporting the teachers the.
[00:13:30] Speaker C: Best way that I can.
[00:13:31] Speaker A: I lean into partnering with the teachers.
[00:13:34] Speaker C: Even though it's not always easy.
[00:13:36] Speaker A: But I don't think that you can fix a system. I don't think that you can talk about a system unless you are invested in a system or in public school, and we're riding with them.
[00:13:49] Speaker C: That's a little bit about what motivates.
[00:13:51] Speaker A: Me to advocate and to be present and to show up for not only my kid, but kids whose parents might have been like my parents, just going through the struggles and just trying to survive. And that is why I'm a proponent of school and why I am a supporter of teachers.
[00:14:11] Speaker C: I will say that there is one.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: Other thing that kind of helped to shape the person that I am. And this was a conversation that I had with a woman who worked in a group home, social worker or one.
[00:14:27] Speaker C: Of the aides, and her name is Eileen Sykes.
[00:14:29] Speaker A: When you experience a traumatic loss, you go to some places, and you could easily develop a chip on your shoulder. And I will say, I eventually came to a fork in the road when I was about 13 or 14, and I had a big chimp that was starting to form. I was angry. I was scorched earth. I felt like the world had taken one of my most dearest, beloved beings and that the world owed me something. And I said the quiet things out loud in a conversation with Eileen, I was like, the world owes me.
[00:15:11] Speaker C: They took my parents. The world owes me.
[00:15:13] Speaker A: And as kindly and as gently as she could, Miss Eileen Sykes told me, the world doesn't owe you anything. You know, you are here but by the grace of God. A lot of people have stories a lot of people have trauma, and in some cases, it's pretty significant trauma. And so the world doesn't owe you anything.
[00:15:35] Speaker C: And as a result of that conversation.
[00:15:38] Speaker A: I felt like I got pulled back, right.
[00:15:41] Speaker C: It was a battle between light and dark.
[00:15:42] Speaker A: It was a battle between for my very soul. And I felt like that conversation pulled me back. It gave me a different way of looking at life. It gave me a different way at looking at the options for my future. And I felt that chip melt away. It does impact the way that I view life, the way that I view.
[00:16:05] Speaker C: People, the way that I view opportunity.
[00:16:08] Speaker A: The way that I view my faith, because I did not know where I was going. I did not know necessarily what I was doing, but I wanted to do and live life with integrity, with humility, and just walking in my truth and being who I am and enjoying every opportunity and that I had in front of me. And so I did that. I think I avoided bitterness, and I'm so grateful. And that mindset got me through my divorce. That mindset got me on the path to being a single mother by choice and actually having it be my own choice and not coming from a place of bitterness. So I view every day as a gift. And sometimes when your foundation is shaken, you can absolutely decide whether or not.
[00:17:05] Speaker C: You want to mend the cracks and.
[00:17:07] Speaker A: Be vulnerable or if you just want.
[00:17:09] Speaker C: To blow the whole foundation to smithereens.
[00:17:12] Speaker A: I opted to mend the cracks. And along the way, I learned to see the world and things very clearly.
[00:17:19] Speaker C: Because I can't afford to have rose colored glasses.
[00:17:22] Speaker A: I see the good, the bad, and the complex and the things that are in between. I also learned to love and trust myself implicitly, because at the end of.
[00:17:31] Speaker C: The day, you lose your rock. All you have is yourself and your.
[00:17:35] Speaker A: Instincts and your wit and your intuition. And I had to hone that into full skills. So it was not just a nice to have, it was a must have in order for me to survive. And so that is the lens at which I came to my essence journey. And so I could go on. Like, blah blah, blah, I went to.
[00:17:55] Speaker C: College, and blah, blah, blah, I got married.
[00:17:58] Speaker A: Blah blah, blah, blah, blah, I got divorced. Blah, blah, I became a single mother by choice.
[00:18:03] Speaker C: And those are stories for another day.
[00:18:06] Speaker A: But I did think that it was important for you to understand where I come from with my advice, where I come from with my empowerment, where I come from with just my perspective and outlook on life. So before I let you go, one.
[00:18:19] Speaker C: Of the reasons I became SMC. So when my marriage did not work out.
[00:18:24] Speaker A: I felt like I had no anchor. I felt like I was trying to figure it out.
[00:18:30] Speaker C: Was I going to settle for relationships.
[00:18:33] Speaker A: Just to have kids?
[00:18:34] Speaker C: Was I going to settle for not being a mom?
[00:18:36] Speaker A: Was I going to let circumstances play a role in such a pivotal life choice? And going back to my experience with my upbringing, I look back on my mom. I was about 32 or 33 when I got started thinking about the SMC path. I said 32 was a significant age because that was the age at which my mom died. So 32, 33, I had started thinking about what I wanted my next steps to be.
[00:19:04] Speaker C: My marriage had ended maybe five or six years ago.
[00:19:06] Speaker A: So I began thinking about becoming a mom on my own and going through all the motions. Can I do this on my own?
[00:19:12] Speaker C: Do I need a partner?
[00:19:14] Speaker A: Who would I choose as a partner?
[00:19:15] Speaker C: Do I co parent?
[00:19:17] Speaker A: And eventually I had to get real with the person in the mirror.
[00:19:20] Speaker C: I didn't like drama. I'd had enough growing up.
[00:19:23] Speaker A: The first 13 years, 16 years of.
[00:19:26] Speaker C: My life had a lot of drama.
[00:19:27] Speaker A: I did not want drama.
[00:19:28] Speaker C: I wanted peace. I wanted happiness.
[00:19:30] Speaker A: I wanted joy. I wanted to go towards something and.
[00:19:33] Speaker C: Not run away from something. And I wanted to live my life with no regret. Losing my mom so early, I knew that people die.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: I knew that people died not having fully lived. I knew that people died with regrets. I did not want any of that. Now, I know that I can't control how, when or the hour of my death. But I can have a bit of control in how I choose to live my lives. And I choose to live my life on my own terms and without regrets and with integrity and with joy and with light. And that's how I choose to parent.
[00:20:11] Speaker C: So while I came to this path.
[00:20:14] Speaker A: Post divorce, I was fully a whole person, fully therapied up. By the time I chose this path, I chose it with a clear mind and with a clear heart. And I chose it because I wanted to parent children. It has been such a joy to watch them be who they are and that my friends girlfriend, BFF's, that is.
[00:20:40] Speaker C: The fire that made me.
[00:20:42] Speaker A: So, as we go on with the podcast and with all of the premium content, I hope to share a bit more about my story and myself. But I think that it's really important that as you start on this journey.
[00:20:57] Speaker C: You'Re going to have a lot of.
[00:20:58] Speaker A: Time to sit and think and decide.
[00:21:01] Speaker C: How you want to go about this.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: I would take some time to just reflect on your childhood, your upbringing, your whys.
[00:21:09] Speaker C: So that when the road gets challenging.
[00:21:12] Speaker A: As it does for some of us, that you can go back to your.
[00:21:15] Speaker C: Whys, you can go back to your motivators.
[00:21:18] Speaker A: And thats all I got.
[00:21:29] Speaker B: Thanks for listening to start to finish motherhood with ayesha. If you want to keep the conversation going, follow start to finish motherhood on Instagram or email
[email protected]. if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice, anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. Bye now.
