[00:00:04] Welcome to start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice. Just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey. Hi. Hi, everybody. I'm here today with part two of how to Build My Single Mother by Choice village. The first part dealt with how to build your village using your existing family members. This episode will deal specifically with how to build your single mother by choice village from the larger single mother by choice community. The single mother by choice community is vast, large, it's global. And so while you are a part of the community, you don't need to necessarily be friends with everyone in the community. You don't need to bring everyone into your home. All you need is maybe three to four single mothers by choice that you gel with who have similar interests with you, whose children might be the same age as yours. So that is the topic that we're discussing today. Okay, so hear me out. Hear me out. Some people come to the single mother by choice path from a variety of different places in life. And some people think that, yeah, I will just go ahead and do this single mother by choice thing, and I will lean on my family members to provide babysitting, backup childcare, emergency childcare to cover me if something happens at work or to just be a weekend babysitter so that I can get some time out to socialize. And they'll pick up and they'll move for their family. And then they quickly find out that there are people who will say the things that they're going to do when you're thinking or when you're pregnant. But once that child is here and they understand or they remember back to when they were parenting, some of the challenges, those people will ghost you. And it's not necessarily anything on you, but when you're in the throes of parenting, you really want people who are going to show up for you. So I encourage people to take advantage of the resources that are already at your disposal, that are underutilized and sometimes appreciated, and to lean into the single mother by choice space. And I know that for some people of color, that's hard to do because it's such a white space, but there are black women, other people of color who are choosing this path. And so lean into it and you might find your people. It's a gift. Okay? So when you have friends who are members of the single mother by choice community, how they help you, they help you by supporting you as the parent at all of the various stages along your single mother by choice journey. But they also support your children. And we'll get into that because that is an unknown surprise. They also support you as a family unit. They validate you. So we'll get into each of those, and then if you stay tuned toward the end of the episode, I'll talk about how you go about finding your community and then finding your people within the community. All right, so let's get into it. How does having a village that includes single mother by choice members support you as a parent the way it supports you as a parent? One? I talk about the five stages of the single mother by choice journey. Your journey could be short. Your journey could be long. You could be using donor sperm, a known donor. You could be going through adoption. You could be using donor egg, donor embryo, any variation, you're going to need support. So find your people. But these are people who have already chosen to set aside societal norms. And so with SMC members as parts of your village, you are already aligned with people who don't give a rat's tail about what society says and about other people's opinions, like large scale opinions about what you should be doing and how you should be living your life. And so I believe and what I have found is that that is already ingrained into the community. Now, it's not broad spectrum because there are some people who are just like, yeah, I'm only picking this part of the single mother by choice journey. And the rest, like that whole diversity thing, that whole raising good kids things. I want my kids to be privileged. I want this. So people pick and choose. But I'm saying that for the most part, the people that I've met have already chosen to live a life that is outside of what society would consider normal. They already have adopted a mindset of inclusion and being a part of and changing the narratives in society, especially with regards to children, children's identities, sexual identities, what a household should look like, and so really are at the forefront of doing a lot of that work.
[00:05:26] You have a community of people who also don't really care about what society says. But if that's something that you're struggling with, you have a community of people who can help you work through and process some of those things, and then you also have therapy. Okay, so when you have single mother by choice members in your village, they also understand the desire, the drive, feeling as if it is your purpose or you were just made to be a mom. So they get it. So no more said. You don't have to explain whether you're thinking you're not sure. The fact that we're having the conversation means that you're at a point where your desire to have and start a family overrides any of the other stuff that you're grappling with. So you have a group of people who get that, who get that it doesn't make sense, and it won't make sense to everybody else why you want to have children, why you want to have children, even if it means as a solo parent, you just feel called to be a parent. And so that's what you're pursuing, and it doesn't have to make sense. Enough said. Period. Okay, so when you have members in your village who are single mothers by choice, they kind of help to be an example to your own family that you're born into who might look at you like, this is weird. I don't understand this. Why do you want to do this? This is so strange. There's nobody doing that. But when you bring other single mothers by choice around the family that you're born into, whether you're getting ready for a play date, whether it's a family gathering, or whether the family member is invited to a single mother by choice event or come to have conversations, they get to see and they get to witness, like, hey, this is kind of normal. This is like everyday people hustling and bustling, trying to get their kids to school and to work and grocery shop and then doing holidays and running shopping and going out to eat. And so it really does help to normalize it for you. And it makes your life just a little bit easier because it's not the weird thing that Tanya is doing over here or that Aisha is doing. This is something that others in the world have chosen to do. Others in your own cities, other people that you might know but might not know their conception story have chosen to do. And so having people in your village who are also single mothers by choice can help pave the way or make it easier for your family to accept your choice or your decision. And so having single mothers by choice in your village means that you have people who innately understand how far you're going to go to become a single mother by choice. So rather than saying just adopt, they understand the depth and the meaning of adoption to you, right? So they're not going to question you like, have you tried this and have you tried other things? Most people will not question that drive. Most people will not question that when you reach 43 and your eggs stop working, the decision to use donor egg or donor embryo, right, they're not going to hopefully say things that are hurtful and harmful as you are making this decision. And these decisions don't come easy. But when you're talking to single mothers by choice, they get it. Especially if you find your people who have pursued adoption, who have pursued donor egg, who have pursued donor embryo. And then you look at them and you look at their families and it's just like, okay, I get this. I can do it. And that really helped me being in community with other single mothers by choice who decided to just use different pathways to arrive at their kids or be open to different ways that their kids can find them. They were instrumental in me being able to make informed decisions about my past and my choices. And so I'm forever grateful. When you have single mothers by choice in your village, that means that you have people who get that some days are just going to be harder than others. Some months, some years are going to be harder and you're going to be in the trenches and so you might not be able to be as responsive or show up to all of the events. And so you're going to have people who get that. You're going to have people who get that. When you say this is really hard or I'm having a really hard time or I'm struggling, they're not going to come back at you and say, well, you chose this. This was a decision you made. You went into this with your eyes open. A single mother by choice and people who love you will allow you to explore the full range of the human experience. And that includes feeling highs and feeling lows with where you are in life. And so single mothers by choice are just mothers or just parents. And as a society, we do a terrible job of supporting parents and mothers in particular. We heat all of this stuff on them, that they need to do this and they need to do that and they need to have a smile and everything needs to be roses and sunshine. But it is not and it is okay. And when you have single mothers by choice in your village people, you can pick up the phone and call people that you can text.
[00:10:50] The people who will show up for you. In these moments, and I don't necessarily mean physically show up, they're going to be there for you. They're going to listen and hear you out without judgment. And the same goes for the partnered mom who says, you know what, I really appreciate what it feels like to be a single parent because I felt like a single parent last week or I feel like a single parent this week while my spouse is out. Allow people the grace to experience the full range of emotions of being a human being. The same thing with your children. Your children are throwing tantrums. They have a rough week, hug them. Allow them to experience the full range of being a person. So how does having village members who are single mothers by choice, how does that support your child? Now? This is a welcome surprise. And it was one that I didn't fully appreciate or I didn't fully think about until this year. I have a nine year old and she is just out there in the world. She's an extrovert. She's enjoying her life. But also she has reached a point developmentally where she's asking questions like really good questions about family structure, about mom's choices. They become curious about who you are as a person, what motivates you, what irritates you. And they're also looking inward at themselves and trying to become more concrete on their individual identities, their likes and dislikes and are really trying to see if you are a safe space or where are the safe spaces in their lives. And they're trying to cultivate that. And so I appreciate that. So one of the ways that having single mothers by choice in your village supports your kid is that regardless of what we do as parents, there is going to come a time where you are not going to be the most sought after opinion for your kid. You are not going to be the one that they turned you. They eventually come back around to it. But there's going to be a time where you're the worst person. You can do nothing right. They don't want to talk to you and they will want to talk to their friends more. They will want to talk to their peers, other adults who are not you. And that's to be expected. But what you can do is if you have single mothers by choice in your village, that means that they have children and they have children who are your child's age. And so when you have people who have the same conception stories, then you have people who have heard different variations of how they came to be and they can share that. So your child doesn't have to feel alone or different. You're just going through, here's what my mom told me, here's what my mom told me. And you're going through and you're helping them, their peers, donor conceived peers will help them to come to terms with your choices as single mothers by choice. We made the choice and part of our story overlaps with their story, but then it ends, right? We made the choice. We saw it at therapist. We talked through, we processed our emotions, our feelings. We have these little kids. We told them how to feel. We told them, here's your conception story.
[00:13:55] We were so happy, I was so desperate. I really wanted you. And then we lead them to it. We ask them questions and then whatever developmental skills they have to ask their own questions, then we answer those. But at some point their feelings, their thoughts on their conception is theirs and they're entitled to that. So they might not turn to you because they don't want to make you feel bad. So hopefully you have seeded their little peer group and village with people who have similar stories and who can help them process. And that's where the donor conceived children of your single mothers in your village come into play. And so then they start talking through and they start processing together. You also want to have a therapist, but that's an aside. But that's where having a village of children, peers will support your child as a donor conceived person. And so how does having village members who are single mothers by choice also support the kid? Is that you hopefully have some parents who are further along in the journey where they have been there, done that advice for you. And so luckily, in the Melanated single mothers by choice group, we have people who now have teenagers. In the larger SMC communities, we have people who have children who are adults. Jane Matz has an adult. So having people who are further along in the journey can tell you, okay, this too shall pass. This is not the worst thing, but it helps to make us better parents to our kids because we know what to anticipate. We know that we can pregame what we're going to say, how we're going to approach, and how we're going to handle certain situations to the best of our ability, understanding that each kid is an individual. But we will have some tools in our tool set that we can practice and we can start using. Like one of the bits of advice that I found most helpful was moms of preteens and Tweens who were saying things like, your kids are going to need you a lot more in terms of you and they're going to need that more when they enter the preteens in middle school. And so now I am starting to really appreciate that, but having those moms who have been there and done that tell me that ahead of time. So now I'm checking in, okay, how do I secure things like access to social media, how do I lock it down but give them just enough space so that they can participate? What do you do in terms of talking about the birds and the bees? What do we do for how do we handle the period conversation? So just a lot of preemptive work that I wouldn't have access to. And single mothers by choice, they get it. They get that it's all on you and that you're going to have to come up with the script. You're going to have to be able to answer all of these questions in the moment from your kid based on how they come at you. And so the way that having single mothers by choice in your village supports your kid is that it can help to make you a better parent and a more prepared parent. Okay, so last, how does having a village where members are single mothers by choice support your family? Again with the conception story or the adoption story that we've chosen. Whatever path to parenthood that we've chosen, they're the story that we need to convey to our kids to help build the blocks of their identity. The words you say, the tone you use, the look on your face, the emotions you convey, your level of anxiety or no anxiety that comes across to your child is going to help them decide how they should feel about their situation, their conception story, their birth family. And so we have a lot of responsibility as the sole parent in how we tell that conception story. Having single mothers by choice in your village means that we also get that the conception story for a donor conceived child is different for the conception story of a child who has a parent that's out there existing. So if you're a single mother by choice or if you're a single mother by circumstances, there are forks in the road where our conception stories differ. And so this will come across to our children. So we get the difference. As single mothers by choice, we understand that we don't have the overhead of having to protect another parent or another identity or the other half of their DNA. Our stories are just we need to deal with, okay, do I share the donor profile? We have to decide, do I share the donor profile? Do I share photos? If so, when, where, how? We understand that, okay, there are going to be things that we don't know necessarily about the health history, things like DNA, technology. We have to be prepared differently. That doesn't diminish the single mother by circumstance. It just is an ignorant effect that we do have different conception stories. Single mothers by choice will get that and they will help you find resources, they will help guide you in those conversations, they will help you find the language, they will help you figure out how to diffuse certain busy body nosy Nelly conversations. And I will say that there are some single mothers by choice who struggle with this. I think if you are not a part of a marginalized community, you're used to having different things go smoothly. You're used to not being questioned or not being judged or not being stereotyped as a member of the black community. I am a woman, I am cisgender, I'm heterosexual. I have to deal with just different conversations, different levels of expectation, different levels of dismissal and stereotypes. And so the first time I do something different is not at 37. I have been viewed as different from the time I was born. And so through that experience, I have a number of tools that help me navigate a world that views you as different, that views your choice as questionable or suspect or views it or hesitant kind of way. And so I do have tools, but when you're in a diverse community, you get to share and swap tools. And so while I have tools for dealing with the Nosy Nellies, it's, well, what do I put on the birth certificate? What do I do at the passport office? Things that we all will go through. Those are other tools and resources that I can get in the single mother by choice community. And so we share ideas. And so also, if you are one and done, so you have an only child. Some parents are concerned about socialization are concerned about siblings. Some people may have wanted to give a sibling but could not give a sibling. And so what do you do when you want to socialize your kid? Or what do you do as a new mom who's struggling with getting time away from the new infant? Well, the single mother by choice community, we offer play date. Like people are always saying, let's get together. You're not the only one with a new baby. You're not the only one with a single child. You're not the only one with a small family group. You're not the only one who needs an additional outlet just to get a break. And single mothers by choice, since we don't necessarily have partners and we most likely have our kids on the weekends, let's get out, let's go into the sun, let's let the kids run and play. Some people will organize things and all you have to do is show up. And that's a blessing. And speaking about blessings, having single mothers by choice in your village is a gift. And especially if you have a small local village. So what I mean is, for someone like me, my sisters are all grown, they're grandmas now. They're out living their best lives. So when the holidays come around, they're no longer looking to get together for family dinners. They're looking to meet in Vegas or Aruba and get together for the holidays. And they'll know for those longer stretches of vacation time. And so for someone like me, I'm firmly grounded like a tree. I'm not going anywhere. And so when the holidays come around, I might make a small dinner, I might do some alternative activities. But it's really nice when single mothers by choice who like the same foods, they invite you over for dinner and all you have to do is show up and you get a takeaway plate. And that's a gift that you don't have to spend the holidays trying to figure out how to entertain the kids. You do your dinner and then maybe the Saturday or the Sunday you get together with other SMC. That's a gift. And so the best gift that you can give to yourselves, be blessed and be lucky that you have a family who's supportive, the family that you're born into if you have a large friendship network. But also don't underestimate the value that having single mothers by choice in your village can add. It's just people who get it. Okay, so now how do you go about meeting other single mothers by choice? Now, I'll give you a little bit of background to help you to understand why I think I can give this kind of advice. I have moved around. When I went to school, I was the first in my family to go to college. I went to a college all the way upstate in a state. No one was there, I didn't know anybody. So then I still made friends and then I went into work, I've moved around to different cities, I've moved away from my family, I've moved and I've just done a lot of different things. And each step of the way I have found community, I have found friends, I have built a village. And so it was no different when I became a single mother by choice and I moved from one state to the next. I was divorced, I no longer had connections to my ex husband's family. I was in a city where I didn't know people, so I had to get out. So the first thing I did was I consulted meetup and then I started meeting other women, other people like me, other young professionals, and then I made friends, and then I made friends with the people I worked with. And so pretty much it was wash, rinse and repeat when I moved to the DMV area when I was pregnant. So I knew that I was pursuing the single mother by choice act by this point I was know trying to conceive. And so I connected with the single mothers by choice in Pennsylvania. So then I moved to the DMV area. Well I started visiting the DMV area. I started reaching out to the single mother by choice community that was here. And then also concurrently I was also in the national forums where I was making friends and trying to get connections in the DC area. I was pregnant, so I had a birth cohort. And so you just move and you nurture, you grow those relationships, whether they're virtual or in person, because eventually you will want to meet these people, they will want to meet you, and that's the way you build and you nurture friendship. And so I have friends that have traveled with me through different parts of my life and a lot of those people have transitioned into village members. So now when I say the different ways that you can build a single mother by choice community, I kind of know a little bit about what.
[00:25:32] And so most cities will have single mothers by choice. We're global. So if you're in a local area, I would say search Facebook or SMC or single mothers by choice, plus your state or plus your area plus your city. Check meetup. So when I moved to this area, I was a member of the Smc.org, which is Jean Matt's group, I was a member of the meetup group, I was a member of the local DMV, single mothers by choice. And then I just branched from there. And so it might feel overwhelming at first to balance all of those relationships, but you do eventually find your people or they find you. And so all you need is three or four people to be like, these are the people who will support me. We have things in common. You have to get out there and start to nurture those relationships. So check Facebook groups, check YouTube channels for who are SMCs. I'm there you check start to finish motherhood check Instagram. Who do you listen to on your know meet up. So just different ways of finding other single mothers by choice. Now on the Facebook Bret I admin the melanated Single Mothers by Choice group for women who are black or identify as women of color who are looking to build a virtual community. But we also do branching out and we meet in person. So find your people. I am a member of the Single Mothers by Choice 35 plus group. I'm a member of the single mothers by choice travel group. Single mothers by choice. DMV network. So we're out there. Find your people, okay? And so once you find your people, go out. And I know single Mothers by choice is just a microcosm of the larger world. So some people are introverts, some people for some people it's hard to make friends. But I say make the effort, it's worth it. And you're going to find other people who are introverts for other people who it's hard to make friends. So those might be your people. So go out, engage. I will tell you, I think it has become better and easier to get connected with Single Mothers by choice and find your people. I will be honest, that the first time I started going to events in this area. It did take a while, because if you're the only person who looks like you in a predominantly white environment and the single mothers by choice space is just hella white. But there are a good number of black people and other people of color, and you just need to get out and find your people. But I remember going to events where people were like this is my friend, this is my buddy, we're having a conversation. And I would be on the edges of conversations looking in on the periphery, trying to get a part of a conversation just so I didn't feel so alone. There's no worse a feeling than being in a crowd but still being on the outskirts and feeling alone. And so I remember that feeling. So I will go out and I will purposely find people who look alone and introduce myself at most events. And so I say it's gotten better. People are more welcoming. They realize that racism does exist and microaggressions do exist and how they show up and people who might not mean to ostracize you, but they do. But things have gotten better. There's a lot more visibility, a lot more people coming out the woodworks, women of color, black women who are saying this is my chosen path. And I say find your people. So go out and find your people. Let's see. So go out, extend invitations, go to birthday parties, go to the larger single mothers by choice events. And so in my area there are like three or four that I try. To go to each year because I know that there's going to be a larger number of people where there's larger populations, there's more diversity and especially depending on where you live geographically, there's more diversity.
[00:29:36] Talk to people if you're interacting with people on the social networks, get a phone number, get an email address, show up when they invite you out. So that's important. So being consistent, being friendly, I make sure that whenever I know I'm gone to an event that I have a bit more energy because sometimes the slug of life just really gets to you. And so I need to be in the right headspace to go out and be open and be present, right? And so I try when I go to those events, I try to appear open, to be open, to share and answer questions and that just draws people into you. I use my kids a lot because kids will just get in there and they don't care. They will make and so especially when I know that there are going to be thinkers and tryers at these different events, I will go just to represent because nothing like being a black person looking for other black people so that you know that this is possible and not always seeing them. Okay, so those are just different ways. Now, if you want to cheat code for meeting new people, definitely try to go to the thinker and try events every now and then or find the thinkers and tryers in the group. Or the people who are pregnant because they're hungry and they're thirsty for information, knowledge. They're looking for a lifeline that I didn't just make the worst decision of my life. They're scared, they're anxious, they're welcoming and they have a ton of questions and so those might be where you start to build community. Okay? And so as we are starting to wind down so there are just different ways. Now I'll try to hit the high points is to try to connect with people who you have things in common with, not everything in common because diversity is important and having diverse experience just gives you lots of different perspectives. But find people that you have one or two things in common with and then just go from there. It's the differences that helped you to grow and expand your world and the world of your children. And so that's going to be a value, but make sure it's genuine and make sure that it's something that you nurture and it's a give, take, win win situation for you all. So find people who you have common interest with, geographic location, you might like to travel. Kids are the same age, you come from the same ethnic background, you've got some of the same challenges. So yes, okay, and then try to find affinity groups, people who are at the same stage or age as you are in your single mother by choice journey. So remember on my YouTube video, I talked about the five stages. One is the thinking or you're waiting or you're considering adoption. You're trying to figure out what your path is going to be, having other people go to a cohort, go to a few meetings. You might branch off, meet somebody who you're just going to bounce ideas off of. Okay? Trying. You're trying. You're talking about sperm donors, sperm choice, different protocols. I mean, it's up and popping for the people who are trying, right? So some people will then go on to either get pregnant or some people might wait for adoption. They're building their profiles. They're trying to figure out adoption funding. You're trying to figure out where to buy sperm. Do I go with the sperm bank? Do I use a known donor? So you're in the trenches with these people from the ground up in your parenting journey. And so there's benefit in that. Also people who are parenting, right? We need a lot of help if we're parenting and we're struggling adulting, right? We want to go out, we want to socialize, we want to have friends, connect with people. That's going to be so important. Okay? And so now that we found this new single mother by choice people to add to our village, there are some do's and don'ts about finding village members. Don't profile people. So if you are looking to add a black person to your single mother by choice village or someone from the LGBTQIA community or what have you, don't profile people. Please make genuine connections and then those people will gladly make themselves available to you in terms of friendships, in terms of outings, and in terms of getting together. So make sure that you're intentional about building a village, but create genuine connections that you both nurture and have your needs fulfilled. So it's a win win if you meet single mothers by choice and you have them in your village and you take pictures and you share things, ask before you post photos of them, their children on websites or if you tag them in any post. Because everyone is different in terms of their level of privacy, how open they are with their single mother by choice journey and who's on their Facebook page. It could be a mix of individuals. So just be cognizant and aware. Also be kind and be non judgmental. Okay? So we each arrive at our single mother by choice journey by a variety of different means, different options, different paths. So do be mindful that when you talk or you punch down on someone's choice, whether they're using a commercial sperm bank, whether they use an anonymous donor, a known donor, whether they use donor egg, did adoption, private adoption, foster care adoption, whether they did donor embryo. Be careful about how you talk about these different options and these different choices because one, you never know if your journey can take you that way. But also people may not always talk about their path, but they do feel very passionate and sensitive and proud of the different paths and options that they've chosen. So do be aware, be cognizant, be non judgmental about this choice. Because we have all experienced when people judge us for our choices and it doesn't feel very good. So let's see, be consistent and be courteous. So when you agree to show up, make sure that you show up. And make sure that you let people know if you're not going to be able to make an event, but if you get into the habit of canceling time and time again, people are not going to show up for you, they're not going to be a part of your village. So you go through all of this to go out and make those connections and get the contact information, show up, and then also create space and realize that everyone is different. Everyone has different parenting priorities. There are different parenting styles. Make sure that you find people whose parenting styles match yours. And when you're in larger community, don't judge other people's parenting styles. What works for you may not work for someone else. What works for someone else may not work for you. And that's perfectly fine. Give people the space to raise their children the way that you see fit. And also give people the space to talk about those choices. And while you may not agree with those choices, you do have to and should respect those choices and know that they're not choices you have to live by. And so if you like it, I love it is my approach to most things. And I think that might be all of the don'ts. And so on that note, I say get yourself some single mother by choice village members. Accept this gift. Take advantage of this gift for this resource that you're already taken a part of. Because you're already a part of a wonderful, blossoming single mothers by choice community. And until next time, I will catch you later.
[00:37:20] Thanks for listening. To start to finish motherhood with Aisha. If you want to keep the conversation going. Follow start to finish motherhood on Instagram or email me
[email protected] if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. Anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice. And just looking for advice on navigating it all. Or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. Bye now.
