Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to Start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice. Just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: Hi everybody. So for those of you who don't know, I actually celebrated my birthday earlier this year. And this year I was so excited because there was a place that I wanted to go in particular to celebrate my special day and with the two special people in my life. And I knew that they would enjoy the experience the thoroughly. And so we went to the Melting Pot restaurant, which is a fondue restaurant, and it was so great to see them be excited about the different foods and to talk them through the experience and it was just a great way to spend my birthday. Now granted I ate all most of the meat and the veggies, but they enjoyed the bread course, the dessert course, and singing Happy Birthday to me. And they did get to eat some of the meat, but I don't think that they they enjoyed it as much as I did. So on that this episode is Tips for Planning Birthdays. This is mainly focused on birthdays for the kids. And so one thing about parenting is that it takes, it has taken me a long time and I'm still not there yet adjusting to the amount of time that it takes to do things. And because it takes so much time to do things on a day to day basis, like the hours getting out of the house, the amount of preparation to clean, to cook, to go to the gym takes so much time that I have literally lost track of time, especially during the busy seasons and months of the year. And so planning for birthdays have become a bit of a chore for me, especially with all of the external expectations around a birthday event. Now for me in particular, I have one kid whose birthday comes at the end of the school year, so the rush for the end of the school year and then I have another kid whose birthday comes at the beginning of the school year, so there's the whole back to school rush. So all of that is crazy. And then my own birthday comes after the winter holidays and so it is always a rush. So I always almost forget my birthday. In order to plan for their birthdays, I have to plan kind of like four to six months in advance to know what I'm doing. So that in the lead up to their birthdays, it's at the top of my mind. And then on top of that, the expectations.
I am in many single mother by choice communities where for the newer moms, this is such an an anxiety inducing topic and it causes me anxiety and to be triggered because I know what my own challenges are. So because I know what my own challenges are, I have found a way to make it simple. And again, going back to my priorities. Who is my kid and what's my budget. So when I hear these moms, they get so worked up in their paragraph long post lamenting the anxiety of planning, it irritates me when it comes up because the posts take up so much space and then the whole conversation. And so my thinking is that you will have your entire life to throw birthday parties, God willing, for your child. And while it may seem daunting at first, I really need people to take a step back and say, okay, it's a marathon, not a sprint. And so I wanted to create this episode as a psa, a public service announcement. And I thought I could do a global lift to help with birthday party planning and to break it down by age groups. And when I say that you have your entire life, you will get better birthday planning. The better you know your child and the longer you are in your parenting journey. So trust the seasoned moms who have been there. So for birthday parties for the one to three year old set, of course you do want to celebrate your child's birthday, especially if it's part of your culture. I know that there are certain cultures and religions where they don't celebrate birthdays. I do. And so I'm talking through celebrating birthdays. It's a part of my culture and a part of the community that I am members of. I ask that you start thinking through what your priorities are early. Who are the people that matter to you? What's your budget? How old is your child? That way it makes it easy for you to create the birthday experience that you want for your child and that aligns with who you are as a parent. It's very personal.
So it should not necessarily be a group decision, even though you can reach out and ask people for ideas of where to have things. But the amount of anxiety I hear about, oh my gosh, what day do I do it on? A classmate has a birthday part, a birthday, this day, they stole my date. And all of this drama and it's just, okay, calm down, take a step back. Who are you? Who is your child? What is your budget? And what type of experience do you want the people you love to have? So there's Just this sense of in some cases trying to keep up with the Joneses. And those conversations really make me cringe to the point where I have to bite my tongue and pretty much scroll by because the moms are so anxious. And I wonder where is this pressure coming from? This pressure to spend outside of your budget, this pressure to all of the other families have their birthdays here, but I can't afford this. Then don't have your birthday party there. Right. And so I have at least the circles that I run it. I have heard anybody say, oh my gosh, that was a chintzy birthday party for a one year old or a two year old. So those are the circles that you're in. I might say rethink those circles. But also sometimes the pressure is coming from within us because we have this idealized vision for what the day should look like, what you would be as a parent. And sometimes it just doesn't pan out that way. So if you get stuck, it might be good to work with a professional to tease apart what is causing the anxiety, what is causing you to feel the pressure. But really for those who don't need professional treatment, I need my mama warriors to be courageous and push back and then have the event that you want. Make it child focused.
And so without further ado, here are some helpful tips for planning a child's birthday. So what age is your child first? If your child is between the ages of 1 and 2, I know these birthday parties, they're milestone birthdays, especially the first birthday. So keep it simple. Like I did a cake smash cake, balloons and then cake for the rest of the family. And juice. So you absolutely can do a cake and juice party, especially for the one to two year old set. They're all toddling around. If you do a party with friends at all, some people will do a birthday party that just includes the immediate family and loved ones. And so for both of my children's first birthday parties, one was pre pandemic, we did small family gathering. And then for my other child, which was during the pandemic, we did a small birthday party with just the three of us, some decorations and a smash cake. Make sure you get the pictures, but really just keep it simple and surround yourself with people who are going to make it feel like a stress free, joyous occasion. Now if your child is within the three to four year age set, for me, that's when my children were in daycare and so I did a lot of daycare parties. And so those are not really any cheaper than doing A gathering at your home. Because I did cupcakes, I did the organic juices, I did cheese and I did fruit. Right. Because they will typically have birthday parties around the time of snack time. And if you are anything like me, I'm not trying to fill the kids up with sugar. So I want to balance out how that sugar gets digested. So I mix it up with, you know, proteins and fruit and veggies. And so I did that around the time when my kids were 2 and 3. Now, even though I did classroom birthday parties, I still celebrated my kids individually at home. And when I had one child, I took her to a special dinner on the actual date of her birthday. So we always did like a classroom birthday party that was around the time of her birthday, like within a few days. But then I also made sure because the thing that I would be able to sustain throughout my parenting journey is I'm taking you out for your birthday on the day that you were born. And so that's what I did. Now the. So when we did the birthday celebration, of course they let the parents in the room. You sing Happy Birthday. I always struggled with do I get cupcakes for the teachers as well? Because it was always a weird number. Either I was going to have enough cupcakes for the kids and just short of two cupcakes for the other adults in the room. And so you end up over purchasing whatever that is small potatoes to having to think through an entire life feeding adults and kids. But the it ends up being just whatever the cost is of the food and the drinks and then the labor of getting the cakes there and coordinating with the school. One year I did ice cream cups along with the cupcakes. And so when they're at the daycare ages, those were the easy stages. Now daycare ages was also great because this was the, this is the time when the kids were starting to get other invitations. And so you see all the little pop up places that the kids go to do three and four year old stuff. Now where I have buried, I think one year when my oldest was about 2 or 3, I took her to a pet shop where, where they had little puppies and kittens and they let the kids come and see them. So it was just me and her. And that was a special outing for us. When my youngest was about two or three, we did a backyard birthday party where we invited family, friends and school, some school kids. And so that was nice as well. That was a cake, pizza, snacks and juice party. And so it was in the backyard in the summertime. And so those are nice memorable birthdays. The kids talk about how they want their cake decorated low key. I have also gone to other friends birthday parties that were bigger key, right. Higher key. And so. But I never felt like I was any less of a parent because I couldn't afford to do those things, nor did I want to do those things. Right. As a single parent, it's a lot. And so thinking through what I could handle. I'm a single parent with not a whole lot of local family support. So that's a caveat as well. If you have local family support, whereas loved ones are also chipping in, then, then do it your way. But make sure that it is your way and that it's something your kid would enjoy. Okay. So by the time we got to the ages 5 and 7, we were kind of in daycare, in, in kindergarten and school. And so these were the fun years because the kids are now able to help out with the birthday planning. They can say what they want.
[00:12:46] Speaker C: How do I do it?
So next time am I decided to have a birthday party or not? Because last week, last year I did have a birthday party because I was going to Ocean City and then I was around inside my fudge.
[00:13:20] Speaker B: And where are you trying to have the party at? If you have a party is this exclamasia port, you can give them options. So one year we typically will go to a beach vacation. And so I would ask the kids, do you want to celebrate your birthday at this place? Do you want to celebrate it as friends and family? When we're on the beach vacation, how do you want to celebrate your birthday? Because I already knew what my budget was and so. But at the ages of five through seven, they're able to ask for what they want. They're able to name their friends by name. And so those were the little friends that I knew I needed to make a priority to invite to the birthday party and then get to know their parents in the lead up. I always try to not overthink something. If there is a structure and a framework in place to help me understand who my kids friends are or what could make the planning easier, I'm going to do that. And it's okay to invite one or two friends, right? So because I have one kid whose birthday begins at the end of the school year and one whose birthday begins at the beginning, I can play around with the weekends around their birthday to decide if I want to make it a class thing or not. And so, you know, I say all that to, to to don't get stressed out about how to celebrate your kid because your child is easy. It's all the other stuff that we as adults bring into it. If your child wants to do something for the class, okay, do something for the class, but then work within your budget. Okay? So in general, my advice is don't overthink it. Especially in the early years, you will have time to get better at party planning and at a time where the children will be able to participate and will remember the event, they're able to ask for what they want. So don't go broke trying to impress people who don't matter in the grand scheme of things. And for the people who do matter, either they're going to help support the birthday party that they want or, or they're going to understand the type of birthday party that you're having. Right? So be clued into that. Focus on your child. Who are they? What do they like to do?
Who do they like to do it with? And then work towards something that they would remember and enjoy.
Okay? If you have two children, be balanced with how you celebrate birthdays. Because kids are always counting the beans. They may not know how to count, but they are bean counters intuitively. And so you don't want to have somebody on a therapist couch when they're like 28 talking about, my mama never celebrated my birthday, but always gave my sibling a rad out of this world birthday party. So make sure to keep it balanced and you want them to remember at the very least and celebrate the milestone birthdays with something kind of tippy toe, over the top and very special to them. But I'm trying to teach my kids to think about the person it is that you're trying to celebrate and then plan something meaningful where right around who they are. Okay. And let's see, it's probably less stressful to do your own birthday celebration for your child than to do a co celebration with another family. Somebody always ends up with the short end of the stick. Somebody always ends up paying more. Someone is tagging along on somebody else's birthday vision. I've seen it happen. It's a bit more stress than it needs to be and you end up spending more money than you wanted to just to join a birthday party together. So I say I've always been one to celebrate my way, my kids, my way, my budget. And then that takes a lot of the stress and angst out of it for me. If you have children and their little friends share a birthday with you, my goodness, if I could not Shake people. Focus on your own child. Celebrate your own child's birthday the way you want to celebrate on the day that you want to celebrate. And I've been in situations where I have had friends who have had birthdays for their kids on the same day. They don't know it. And that's fine. If I can make both birthdays, I will make both birthdays. But inevitably somebody will get an invitation out sooner than the other person. And the person I commit to is the person I commit to. And then I will find a way to help them the to celebrate birthdays with the other friends. I mean, it is so much drama around birthdays, but I think that some of these approaches and some of these tips will help make navigating those celebrations easier. But please focus on celebrating your child. Nobody's stealing your birthday. Nobody's stealing your birthday location. And then a note on gifts. Don't go broke on birthday gifts either. For most kids and for most kids whose birthdays we get invited to, I have a $25 budget for children's gifts. If it's a special friend or if it's a special gift that child is particular particularly into, I will spend a little bit more. But in general, I have a budget for children's gifts. Okay. And then last but not least, don't forget that you're a person too and you're worthy of being celebrated. Like I said, I've used, I used to rush through and get so caught up that my birthday's like next week and would be caught flat footed in terms of planning my own birthday celebration. And this year I put my birthday on the calendar and I made a reservation for my birthday and the kids and I, we got all cleaned up, as cleaned up as we could get to go out and take mama to dinner. And you know, we talked about getting birthday gifts and birthday cards and there was a little bit of drama there. And I just told them, you know, I don't want you spending your little allowance on me, I appreciate it, but you know, draw me a beautiful birthday card. And so they did. And it was a wonderful birthday, was a wonderful experience and I got to spend it with two pretty cool people and see for the first time the whole fondue experience. And now the 5 year old would like to do her birthday dinner at the fondue place. But, but she said to not do it with the neat.
So, so, so that's that I've always managed to celebrate my birthday because I want the kids to understand that when they become adults and if they choose to become parents that they matter too, and to celebrate their birthdays. Even on the years where it was low key, we did special cupcakes, right? One year I think I baked a cake or I ordered and I had special candy sent to me for my birthday. So yeah, it's important to let these little people know that you matter too. And so on that note, I hope you found these tips to be helpful. And how do you like to celebrate or what things have you done to celebrate your own children's birthday? I would love to hear the variety and this spectrum of birthday celebrations and if you could break it down by age group like I did in this episode. And so until next time, bye now.
[00:21:11] Speaker A: Thanks for listening To Start to Finish Motherhood with Aisha if you want to keep the conversation going, follow Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram, email me at aishastarttofinishmotherhood.com if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. Anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. By now.
