[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to Start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice. Just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on.
[00:00:15] Speaker B: Your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone.
[00:00:19] Speaker A: I'm Aisha Jenkins and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey.
[00:00:26] Speaker B: I am approaching this episode with a real kind of somber tone because the this episode is tips for navigating uncertainty. And I think, let me just take a deep breath.
We are in uncharted waters with a lot of uncertainty. For the first time in my life, I am getting real visceral flashbacks of what it may have been like to in the mindset of the Jim Crow south, thinking through Nazi Germany, thinking through the French Revolution, just really thinking through the implications and the impact of those milestones in history. And it feels as if we are experiencing some of the beginning stages of the dehumanization of people. And so we are definitely in uncharted waters for right now as a country because it seems to be a class war, but really it seems to be a real war between good and evil, whereas we are losing our vision of the humanity and what's important. And so people are scared and people feel vulnerable, especially as members of the single mother by choice community where we are raising children, we are raising the next generation and to see the potential for them to lose rights, to have less rights than we had as we were coming up, to not be able to be free kids and breathe fresh air and to play with their peers. And so I just want to say that the fear is valid for many of us. Whether you hold a blue American passport or whether you hold a passport from another country, I think the fear is valid for many of us. And it appears that the people who are in charge don't really care about collateral damage. And oh, the fear is real. But we're going to do this and we're going to get through it and we're going to do it scared. And as the leader of a community been trying to balance the preparation aspects with monitoring and managing the fear that many of us are feeling. I yeah. So election results have consequences and the consequences that we are living through currently, I don't think many of us expected us to be where we are. I believe even some people who voted for the current administration may or may not have thought it through what the implications are. But I will tell you, I'm part of the 92%. So it does not surprise me that we are here. But the extent of the lack of humanity. It does surprise me. So going into the November elections, I am in the tech field. And so the last two years within the tech industry have been really tumultuous with lots of layoffs, lots of people moving around from jobs to jobs. I'm on the different social media platforms for professionals and I see open to work people announcing new positions, then a year later, open to work again. There are lots of job scams, there are ghost jobs. You don't know what jobs exist, what jobs don't exist. We have recruiters who are reaching out through WhatsApp, through text message, through smoke signals. It's just, it's been bizarre and it's been a lot of stress in and of itself and people deciding if they stay in a toxic work environment, do they leave? So then to go into the November elections and have this be the outcome where federal jobs are just being snatched away with day's warnings. It is such an uncertain time period. U.S. aid workers are being called back from the field. And I have good friends who are working in the foreign services, doing really good and much needed work, who have given up their lives here in the US and to have that snatched away and to return home, to no home, potentially no career, is just unfathomable to me. It's just unbelievable. So elections have consequences and the results were sad for me to have to live through. And I say this as a black mother of daughters, it feels surreal. It feels as if our bodies are under attack. But I have to push forward and you have to as well. And the best way that I can push forward and recommend is to look at the universe of things that are at your disposal and things that are going on and identify the things that you have control over and then manage those things. Right? I think that there are a few things that we have control over, but we do have control over where we spend our time and what we consume into our psyche, where we physically spend our time, where we spend our money, where we how much and the quality of time that we spend with our children and our loved ones. Right? We do have control over that. We have control over where we seek joy and when we slow down and when we pick up the pace. So we do have control over some things that equate to quality of life and well being, even as we sometimes look around and the world is on fire around us, like literally the world. And not too long ago, literally the world was on fire around some of our community members. And so my heart goes out to those of you Those of us who are trying to manage a multitude of challenges that are being thrown at us while we are currently trying to raise small humans. So the outcome of the elections was one thing where we knew going in that 50% of the country was going to be disappointed either way, but to watch our rights get stripped away.
So whatever we do, we're going to have to do it scared and we're going to have to be brave and courageous in this time. So one the things that I have been telling my community is to find your community, find as many communities as there are needs and get into community with those people. And with social media going the way that social media is going, that community might be an in person community. It might be a community where you have a group chat, a group text. So community might look different. We might have to step outside of our comfort zone to connect with people more.
We are looking to community care. And so this is how do we share resources, how do we make the most of what we have? Some people are going to always be early adopters and forward looking people. Some people might be slower to adopt, slower to warm up just because the shock is so great. Right. And so to some extent we're going to be carrying some community members along while we have strength. And when we get tired, other community members will be carrying us along. So that is what community care looks like. Be your sister's keeper.
I know for me, there are some assumptions that I can make when I am in community with black women, and there are some assumptions I can make when I am in mixed community and I will be conducting myself accordingly. And so prioritize is another thing that we can do to try to maintain a semblance of balance when the world seems out of balance. Right? So prioritize. For me, I usually have a top four or five list of priorities which are my health, my children, my estate, and then my chosen family.
So there's another one in there, but I can't remember it at this moment. And so that helps me to prioritize any decisions I need to make in the moment, whether it is, do I pick up this phone, are they part of, are they me, are they my children? Is it something having to do with my job or my estate? Is it a member of my chosen family who we have an implicit agreement that we will be there for each other, but I have to manage my reserves as well. So if it is not in that top five priorities, then I will take it on an ASCOM as CERN basis with the amount of reserves I Have at that moment prioritize who and what needs your attention, who and what needs your care. In this moment, literally, I've been talking to parents and we have been surviving day by day because there is so much uncertainty. Cut back where you can. I know for me what that means is that we now eat the ends of the bread. So we like French toast. We like toast in general. So I am trying to maximize our food stores since I suspect that our food systems are also being compromised, especially with the reduction of regulations. I'm getting my family used to eating as close to Whole Foods as possible. So it means going back to the drawing board. We eat out less in terms of fast food. The casual dining that we do pick up, you make sure that it has as much fresh food and veggies as possible. Like as close to whole as possible. We have done away with the baby carrots and my kids actually like the, the longer natural form of carrots. And because I've kept it away from them for so long, they think it's a treat to just have a whole big giant carrot and to just crunch on it, which you will get no complaints from me. And so cut back where you can. I am having lots of conversations with my children because of what we're cutting back on. We're trying to consume less because I am a person who has chosen to boycott and I'll get to that later. But we are cutting back and I'm trying to purge things in the house. And so the less things we bring into the house, the less things we eventually have to move and purge out of the house. So I've been trying to purge since December. I am currently looking at a pile of items that need to go to Goodwill or somehow make their way out of my house. So we are cutting back where we can, reducing, but not to the point where it steals our joy. I am trying to take care of my mind and my body and the same for the children. My children do not fully grasp what is going on. But we have been having conversations about why people do what they do and are there mean people in the world? And we've had tears. And I'm just trying to love my children through these uncertain times because while we are not watching news every day, the children are going to school with other children who come with their parents viewpoints and their parents perspectives and their parents fears sometimes about what is going on. And so I'm being a lot more intentional about asking their children what they talk about on the playground. Do they have questions for me and Trying to take the time to answer their questions as completely and as empathetically as possible and so take care of what goes into your body. I am trying to get better at drinking a lot of water, having probiotics go into our body because ultimately with our food system being compromised and under scrutinized and with us just trying to stay healthier, I'm doing more gardening and utilizing the herbs that come out of the garden along with whatever western medicine provides but. But really just trying to keep us healthy, as healthy as possible. So watching what goes into our mind, what we consume and also what comes into our body. Trying to limit social media for me, because my kids are not on social media, but really when I go to social media these days, I am checking on the melanated single mothers by choice group that I manage, I am checking on individual friends and then I'm scrolling through the rest. I am looking for the joy and the social media and thank goodness I am blessed to have friends who have just as wicked a sense of humor as I have. And because sometimes you just have to laugh to keep from crying. And so I laugh. My children ask me what am I laughing at? So if it's appropriate, I'll share it with them. But I limit my time on social media, all forms of social media and I think overall this is probably just a good thing in general because it's sometimes a time suck. I've also put boundaries in place, whereas there's a lot going on and we are absorbing a lot into our bodies, into our minds and some things we can talk about, some things we cannot quite verbalize just yet. And so I am also coming off of a mental health scare and so I have to be cognizant of what I can and cannot take on in this moment. Again, it goes back to my priorities. If it's not my children, if it's not my chosen family, I am really, I have to put my oxygen mask on first and I am not really in a position to take on anything more than I can handle. And I've become really good at putting boundaries in place and saying that this is something that I cannot handle right now. And so yeah, find alternative news sources and I am not watching the news as much. I am not watching domestic news. I am looking at international news. I am checking in with friends more because I've got friends who are also international. What are you hearing? What are you feeling? What are you thinking? So find alternative news sources and then if boycotting is your thing, boycott what you can and Be consistent. Right? There's a lot of conveniences that have been introduced since the pandemic and I do participate in those conveniences. But really, when it comes down to my psychological safety, my physical safety, and my ability to work and to be able to compete for jobs on an equal playing field without having obstacles placed in my way because of my gender, because of my race, or because of any other social characteristic that matters to me. And I am always going to be a person who, who speaks with my actions, who speaks with my money, who speaks with my time. And I am boycotting. I am not at a position yet where I can do a mass boycott of every company that I want to do a mass boycott of. But. But I have picked a few and I'm being consistent and then I'm trying to look for alternatives to the other companies that I would like to boycott. So if boycotting is your thing, boycott with. You can, don't feel guilty if you are not in a position to do a whole scale boycott. We will take whatever boycotting or acts of resistance and then be consistent and then have a plan if you also want to boycott other companies.
Mind the minds of your children.
If there was never a time in your parenting journey where you had to watch what your children are consuming, listen to what they say, listen to their fears, because there's a lot of low key anxiety that is going on that you want to be aware of and you want to get in front of, create those spaces for your children to talk and let them know that you are a safe space. And then if for some reason you are not able to provide that care, then please bring in a professional who can help guide and support your family through these uncertain times and in dealing with that anxiety. So mind the minds of your children. You might start to see an uptick in bickering because there is a sense that things are chaotic, but the adults in the room are not necessarily talking about it, but they know that parents are up at night. They can sense when you are not happy. They can sense when something is amiss. So mind the minds of your children and make sure that you're checking in with them.
Stay flexible to all the options. And I would say that the last two years have been a lesson in that for me. Whereas you find yourself struggling, but you feel like you cannot participate in the different safety net and resources that are available to you. I will tell you, take advantage of whatever you can to relieve some of the burdens so that you can get back to yourself. Stay flexible to the life that you imagined because it may or may not play out the way that you had planned. And this is just for parenting and life in general. So stay flexible to the road in front of you, ultimately where you want to go, but it might take a bit longer and so be open to all of the options. So in the season opener, I talked about me lamenting last year on whether or not I missed the opportunity to live and work in another country. And and I think not in terms of keeping all of my options open. That is one option that is on the table, God willing, that I am able to pick my kids up and let's go on another exciting journey together. Whereas we explore, I am open to world schooling and connecting with other families on a global level. And so I just feel excited and that brings me joy to think about that as an option. And so, so stay flexible and be open to all so stay flexible and be open to all of the different options that are available to you. And I think that's it. That's pretty much the advice that I have given my community. That is the advice that I am taking and navigating these uncertain times again, elections have consequences and hopefully we make it on the other side to debrief what transpired in these next four or five years and beyond. Who knows what life will look like on the other side of this. And so with that I say if you enjoyed this episode and if you've enjoyed this podcast, please share it with other people. I am tremendously grateful for the community that I have that's surrounding myself and my family. I'm grateful to you who continue to listen and who have been patient for this hiatus. I really had to take out a little bit of time to get through the holiday season, so I usually take off the holiday season, but then also I am doing other smaller projects and then I'm also doing a lot of self care for myself and to and for my family. And so I thank you for your patience. And on that note, until next time, bye now.
[00:21:55] Speaker A: Thanks for listening To Start to Finish Motherhood with Aisha if you want to keep the conversation going, follow Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram, email
[email protected] if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. Anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. Bye now.
