Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to Start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice. Just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on.
[00:00:15] Speaker B: Your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone.
[00:00:19] Speaker A: I'm Aisha Jenkins and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey.
[00:00:26] Speaker B: Hi everybody, I'm back. A lot has transpired since September to now. I released a couple of behind the scenes episodes from the previous three seasons of the podcast, and I thought that they were funny, insightful, quirky and cute ways to give you a bit of insight into the personalities of some of the guests behind the scenes and so.
But a lot has transpired and every time I shifted my focus to starting up and continuing producing season four of the podcast, another existential crisis happened and it required me to take a step back, consider how I wanted to approach this season, and I'm still going with.
[00:01:18] Speaker C: Tips for as the theme for season four, but I also decided to sprinkle in some rebroadcast episodes that are fitting for the times that we are currently living through.
[00:01:30] Speaker B: These episodes were chosen specifically because they.
[00:01:33] Speaker C: May unlock some new insights. They may provide comfort or offer some additional options that you may not have thought of at the time but now are at a point where you might be open to considering those the episodes are how lack of margin impacts my parenting, how to build a village from your single mothers by choice community. What's it like parenting as an expat? What's it like adulting while healing from trauma and then on planning a summer abroad? Then what to consider when seeking fertility or prenatal care in the US and abroad. I told you that I would be partnering with you every step of your journey, and I meant it. Part of what's been going on behind the scenes is that it's also been an intense six months or so since I've returned from Sri Lanka.
[00:02:29] Speaker B: I've been deep into parenting two children, and what no one really tells you is that as they get older, it becomes more intense because you have to be more mindful of who they are as people. And so you're not just talking to a blank slate. You're talking to people who have feelings, who can interpret the things that you say in vastly different ways than what you intended. And so there's a lot of time, at least I spend a lot of time communicating. And because I have two, I spent a lot of times refereeing and managing their relationship. And so it might have been in season two where I Said going from one child to. To two children is not just simple math. It's actually like going from one child to 2.5 children because their relationship plays a major part in how you engage with them. And so I am currently living that shoulders deep in parenting two children. And I'm not going to lie, it's pretty intense. And I've also been doing better at carving out time for myself. More and more, I find myself telling the children that there are three people in the house and three people in our relationship, and that one of those people, myself, I need to start taking better care of. Which means that with the time that I have left, I have to be strategic about how I allocate it. And so I am a master of using my calendars to do that, using the alarms on my phone to make sure that I take breaks and drink more water, get more rest. And so that's where I am currently today. So first, Happy New Year and Happy Lunar New Year to those who celebrate. And let's take a few deep cleansing breaths and let's get into it. Okay, so last year, 2024 was a big milestone year. I think I'm going to look back on that year as a real pivotal year for myself and my personal development on the path to healing. And it's a journey. So after leaving a toxic work situation, I really had to reconnect with myself, reconnect with my passions, and reconnect with my family. And I finally got to navigate back to my own voice and start to see things more clear. And what I realized was that the toxicity of the time was not just about the toxic work environment that I was in. It stemmed from the infertility and the struggle that I had trying to conceive my second child. That combined with what was going on with the world. We were in the midst of a pandemic and trying to navigate a pandemic and trying to keep everybody alive. I had a 6 month old at the time and then 8 month old by the time the pandemic fully hit. And so I was just being hit with waves and waves of traumatic experiences that I had not had an opportunity to sit down and process. Starting in 2022, I began working with a therapist. But that was barely scratching the surface. And for anyone who's ever worked with a therapist, it takes a long. It takes a long while for you to get used to one another. It takes a long while to feel comfortable opening up. And I'm still in the process of peeling back the layers of the onion that is Aisha. But the toxic workspace was really the final straw. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. And I really had to look at my life and where it was going and to ask myself, is this really what I see myself doing until I retire? And the answer was, truly and honestly, I was not happy. My passion had gone for that particular work in that particular company, and I just needed to be doing something different. And whether or not I felt ready to make that move, I'm glad that God and the universe gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to move forward. Like Cooper, get off the pot. And so over the months and weeks, I finally started to find my voice. And by the time we got to the end of 2024, I was starting to feel the process of healing like it started right. I left the job in early spring, and it wasn't until the end of the year, almost six months, that I really started to feel a weight or a shift. And so I did it. Scared is what I will say. And okay. And so now, after having gone through that, reflecting back, my journey was not easy. And to be perfectly honest, I'm still in the midst of healing because I am looking at it as a journey because I'm still fragile and the things that almost took me down are still vulnerable points for me. And so I have to be aware of. Of those, and I have to be aware of the triggers. My unique journey to healing includes talk therapy, it includes medication, and it includes firm boundary setting. And as I'm setting those boundaries, it might be rough in the beginning, doesn't always come out as smooth or as gentle as I intend, but I have to be good at setting boundaries. And I set a lot of boundaries in the fall of last year. And I had to let some relationships go. I had to find a nice, easy breaking point. And I say all that to say that when you are ending one chapter of your life, it doesn't have to be catastrophic. It doesn't have to be full of fireworks and fiery language. It could just simply be, this is no longer working for me, and you leave it gently where it is. And I've done that. But going back to the. The fun stuff and reflecting during the time, the. The six months that I was in that journey, I did some things intentionally to care for myself and take myself physically out of environments, to desensitize and cleanse the palate. So I took a four week vacation with the children, and it was amazing.
I started to discuss this at the end of season three. That we were planning our trip to Sri Lanka. We had taken the trip and come back from the trip, and I was changed. My children were changed. This was a foundational memory for them. This is when they say, key memory unlocked, this will be a key memory for them and for me, too. I think they got to see me unhinged a little bit, and I got to see them navigate the world around them and lean into some things and also find their voices for the things that just didn't work. And we had a really nice time. And I'm so very glad that I had the opportunity to spend that time with those two people.
And so over this season, we'll get more into the Sri Lanka trip. And then what comes next? I have a lot of little bits of footage and things that I'm trying to put together and think about how I want to tell that story. Other things that happen is that I began teaching again, which I love because it feeds my soul's passion of guiding the next generation. And then I also get to be creative in how I share information. And when you're teaching, it's a reciprocal relationship. You get as much as you give. So being in front of these young people, like, I'm talking about LinkedIn, and they're like, what's LinkedIn? And I'm just like, what are y'all using? And so then they're explaining to me their experience. So it is such an honor to have this responsibility. And I take the responsibility so seriously, because these are somebody's children. These are children of parents who entrust us as educators to teach their children. And so I love it. The last time I taught at an institution, an educational institution, it ended in an anticlimactic fashion with my manager saying something egregious and racist to me. And it really did suck the joy out of the work that I was doing. And at the time, the only thing that I could say to her was, excuse me, say that again.
And I had to be that disruptor. I had to disrupt her thought process in the beginning to bring her back to the fact that I am a human being and you cannot talk to me that way. But anyway, it sucked the joy out of the work that I was doing. And that combined with trying to conceive my second child, it ended up being a situation where it had reached its natural end. And so they. I didn't ask to come back. They didn't ask me back. And I think that it was a nice, gentle ending. And so now to be teaching again in a space that I'VE chosen. It feels.
It feels good is all I could say. And so it feels like a homecoming. I think at some point, you realize that you have to put your own oxygen mask on, and then you don't have energy to try to sustain anything that is not really worth sustaining in that time period of your life. And so that's what I felt. I put my own oxygen mask on. I was able to focus on conceiving my child. She's here. And everything worked the way that it was meant to work. I think sometimes I stay too long in situations once they have, I stay past the point where they have reached their usefulness, where. Yeah, I stay too long past the point where they've reached their usefulness for me or where their usefulness has ended for me, and I need to move on. And I find that I've always been probably 6 to 12 months too late in making that transition. And I think I'm getting better at saying, okay, we don't need to go. Weeks like this can end today, like now. Okay. Other things that I did during this time, the six months, is that I took on some consulting work and, oh, what a breath of fresh air it was. I got to flex my skills in a way that I never knew was possible. I got to bring together my podcasting skills, and I got to sit at tables and took the opportunity to say what needed to be said at those tables. And then working with a team who gets it, you're like, this is the way that we need to do this. And let me show you what I mean, because sometimes it's not enough to just talk about what needs to be done. Sometimes you have to talk about it. And you also have to do a little bit of work to create a proof of concept to say, this is where I'm going with it. Especially, I was doing some equity work and I needed to bring diversity into the work that I was doing. And boy, to work with a team that implicitly says, I trust you and explicitly let you do the work and support you in that was definitely a breath of fresh air. And I was able to create a product that only I could create because I had to use my voice as a tool to tell a particular story. And I loved it. And it's really good work. Let's see.
I am also in the process, I think I may have mentioned that I co founded a nonprofit. And through that nonprofit, we created a podcast. And when I created it, I was the producer and the host of the podcast. And this year with this season, I am Excited to say I am just the producer. I have created such a product that's so, so good that I was able to hand it off to two people. And it's got a global perspective. It is really good.
And I am now just solely producing. And so it is exciting to see these two hosts work together because not only am I producing, but I also had to onboard them into the process and the style of the podcast. So there's a lot of conversations back and forth, whereas when you are creating an artistic product, you have it in your head and they are forcing me to articulate, write it down, what's the formula? What's the recipe? And it has been such a learning process for me watching their interpretation of the format. And so it's that, that give and take like it's my baby and you're doing it wrong, but they're doing it their way and so they're not doing it wrong. You. I brought them in specifically to do it their way. And so I have to mind myself and my emotions because I am still very close to the product. But, oh, it is such a joy and a pleasure to work with these two people. So that's Northstar Gaze and that's the podcast that I am now solely producing. And there hopefully will be more projects that come along the way. So watch this space. So it's been intense and such a rush. Okay. We have also just come off the tails of a very toxic election season here in the United States and we're currently experiencing the consequences of folks cutting off their nose despite their face. And I will. I am a black woman. I'm part of the 92% who voted with their conscience, who voted for the people. And to watch this all go down, I am currently in my season of rest. And I'll, I'll leave it at that. But let me make it clear that while this is not a political podcast, I am a black person living in America where race has always been political, where my race has always been political.
So I won't do an all out discussion of politics, but where it makes sense. As part of my parenting journey, I will be discussing my political views. It would be insincere for me not to do. And hopefully if you've been following the podcast, you do value my perspective and you do value that I am trying to be as transparent and as sincere as possible. So stay tuned. Family update.
My girls are doing great. My youngest turned five last year, so right about now she's five and a half and she has been on a journey Ever since we came back from Sri Lanka. And she was a changed person. She fully came into her own opinions, her own ideas of the world. She's inquisitive, she's opinionated, she's sassy, she's sweet, she's funny, she's smart as a whip. She's able to articulate her thoughts in a way that blows my mind. And she still sneaks into my bed to snuggle up on me. So we're a work in progress on that. My eldest, I am so proud of her. She's really come into her own. She's at a stage where she's both sharp and squishy at the same time. So I still get to snuggle her and give her kisses, and she gives mama kisses. So since she's a late summer baby. And when she started school, I started her, like, weeks after her birthday. And I did that for a number of reasons. But she's always been a bit immature for her class. So this year, I think with the way they arranged her for her class, they did something a little bit different because she's in the Spanish immersion class and there are two classes per grade. So this year she is in a class with mostly boys, which is interesting, an interesting dynamic, because she would be typically an annoyance to some of the girls. But since boys, from what I've seen, they mature a little bit slower. She's right where she should be with her peers, which means I'm getting less talk about her behavior and more just settled behavior. So she's coming into her own in a way that feels natural from what I've seen. And so she's in an environment that has less emotional angst than the spaces where she's in, where the girls are a bit more mature. And I love this for her. She's thriving and she's going at her own pace at home. We have great conversations. She's becoming more responsible, which I love. And I see see her actively trying. She's assertive. And 10 has just been a really good age for us.
The children talk about Sri Lanka a lot. It's a key memory for them. And I'm glad that I waited to travel with them until I knew them better as people and that they were old enough to participate in almost every aspect of the trip. And so we'll discuss this a little bit more later. But. But I am so glad that I got to travel with two little people. And they were amazing. Let's see. In the last episode of season three, I spoke about our trip to Sri Lanka and about the planning process and how I'd always wanted to live and work outside of the US in another country, and that I was worried that opportunity had passed me by. And I think not. I am currently considering all the options for living and working outside of the United States.
And because I'm raising global citizens and as a black woman, I have always known that I can't fully rely on the traditional American classroom to teach my children well. And I had always considered them global citizens. And so it may be time for a change. So I'm considering all options. I'm considering world schooling and all of the options that are available. I feel like we have a unique opportunity as a family to to do something big and taking another step in this adventure together. All in all, Mom Aisha took a bit of a hit in 2024, but growth demands change, and I'm in a season of being elevated change and growing pains are necessary for this transition to happen. And so I feel lucky to be on this side. And this far into my healing journey, the melanated Single Mothers by Choice community is growing and thriving. I feel blessed to have so many friends in that space. It's a good space for black SMCs to come and share. But more than that, I have personal relationships with a lot of the members in the group. I followed their journeys, I know the names of their children, and so I feel truly blessed to be part of their story. And so to be honest, with the change that Facebook has taken, we are exploring options for taking our community elsewhere. And but it's going to be a group choice. And so yeah, so my commitment is to keep you all informed if and when or when the decision is made to move to a different platform or to a different application. And one way for me to keep you informed is through my mailing list. And so if you're not signed up for the Start to Finish Motherhood mailing list, I'll put a link down in the show notes and then on that note, to be continued, more to come. All right, bye now.
[00:23:34] Speaker A: Thanks for listening to Start to Finish Motherhood with Aisha. If you want to keep the conversation going, follow Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram or email me at aishastarttofinishmotherhood.com if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. Anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. Bye now.
