Episode Transcript
With the trauma, I wanna shift a little bit to the impact, the generational impact that trauma could potentially have on our bodies.
I have pushed back so hard on this, the adultification of black children and the statement that, oh, well black children just go through puberty sooner. And they start, you know, and they mature earlier
and now recent studies are showing that the stress of the pandemic is [00:01:00] also showing across race groups. Kids are going through puberty earlier. So can we talk a little bit about trauma and the, the impact to our bodies, what we could potentially pass onto our kids and how that might tie to early onset puberty and things like that?
Yes. So we are, and I say we as like the scientific community is still trying to figure out all the different causes of why now we're seeing a. Across the board, cuz before, in general, African Americans do undergo puberty at an earlier age than some mm-hmm. . But then there's something deeper that happens.
So I, I'm gonna come back to the trauma, but I'm also, I just wanna talk about something else really quick. Mm-hmm. . So, okay, yes, we go through puberty early, great, whatever, but, and we do look older, but it comes with a consequence a lot of times when our young children who might have [00:02:00] gone through puberty, older or earlier or whatever they are, 13, but they look like a 18 or 20 year old.
Right. Then they get treated like that. Right. Physically. So one thing that's very important is that we take the time and. To treat them the age that they are. Yes. And I know we've talked about this before when I was seeing little children. I, I just one part I love about doctoring is taking care of children is I had these two tall, they were taller than me and I'm five nine, I'm a tall woman.
African American males 13 and 14 look like grown men. And the first thing I told their mother was, you have got to make sure that people treat them their age right. Because when the world sees them, they see them as adults. Mm-hmm. , but they're still growing. They're going to make mistakes and we wanna treat their.
Like a 13 year old making a mistake versus a 20 year old man making [00:03:00] mistake is very different. Mm-hmm. . And I remember examining one of them and I tickled his stomach while I was doing the abdominal exam and he laughed like a little kid. I was like, look, this is a child , so let's give him space to be a child.
Let's not try to make him an adult, even though he looks like one. Remember, always remember that this is a, you don't wanna like treat him like a baby, but remember his age and treat him the appropriate age versus how he looks.
So, quick question. When you say look like an adult, are you, you're just talking about the physical features?
Right, because I can look in a kid's face and be like, that's a seven-year-old, I have a three and a half year old. So I went to go sign my kid into like this, this program. And so somebody was like, is she the eight-year-old or the three-year-old? And I wanted to smack her stupid and I was just like, Oh be, you know, she's so tall and she, I'm like, but she still looks three.
She doesn't look eight. And it's just like, when you look [00:04:00] at these children in their face, regardless of how, develop the breast and core area is if you take the time to actually look and see these kids, they are still children.
Exactly. They definitely are. And it's unfortunate and I think it kind of goes back to how quick we are doing things in our society now.
Everyone is moving so fast. Mm-hmm. , are we actually taking the time to look at someone in their face? Are I was just like, oh three person there. Right. Ever. If you, if I saw your children a three and a eight year old, I could easily. Okay. There's a three year old. Three year old. But I'm also aware enough to be able to take the time to look right, but most people aren't right?
A lot of people are just so automatic and they're just trying to make it through that they're not aware and taking that time. So they're just seeing a body in front of them. It kind of looks big adult, right? You're not even thinking,
right?
Yep, yep, yep. All right, so let's talk about [00:05:00] trauma and the impact that trauma could have on our bodies and, you know, as, the carriers of life, like, is, is there a way that we could experience trauma and pass this trauma onto our offspring, whether in utero or through our genes?
Yes. So with trauma, It's the, the trauma of course happens, but then after the trauma, when we are re-triggered or when we are shifting ourselves or whatever, you're at this increased stress state.
So now you have all this increased cortisol going through your body that you wouldn't have if that trauma event didn't happen. So that increased cortisol in the body can definitely have effect on one the person, right? But then assuming that you're also pregnant can have an effect on the fetus or the, the child as well.
It could affect how they're growing up. It could affect their endocrine system. So maybe that's affecting the puberty. It could [00:06:00] affect. , how they develop in the womb. It could affect whether you deliver early. So if someone delivers their child early, there's increased risk of different health issues. So it could have so many different effects.
So that's why it is so important and so vital that us as mothers and as future mothers, and as women that we are doing things to really look at what our traumas are, look at, and not just our traumas. Cause honestly it's traumas, but it's all stressful stuff. Stressful. Look at how we're managing our stress.
Mm-hmm. Because that stress is not gonna go away. Even if you live in a bubble, you are still gonna have some kind of stress. So having some kind of stress management practice so that you're not always at level 10, and sometimes your level two and three is very important. Right, (Premium)
right. Okay. So. Black girl magic, black excellence.
Let's talk about that just a little bit. I think I've been on a journey to be like, I just wanna be mediocre. I just wanna exist. I just want breathing to be enough. Can we talk a little bit [00:07:00] about. This drive to be twice as good. And especially as we enter into new spaces, things that crop up would be like imposter syndrome, right?
And things like that. So you talked a lot, you talked when, when we spoke earlier, you talked about being in the yoga space, right? And yoga is typically not seen as a black person's space, but you enter into these new spaces and do we take on the weight of trying to be perfect and quickly fit in? I came into tech, tech was typically not a black space.
And as a black woman in tech constantly in these situations where the expectation is that you be magic, the expectation is that you be excellent. The expectation is that you be twice as good and they're still gonna pay you the same. So can we talk a little bit about finding space to just be and be regular and being okay with just existing in
a space you love?
Ugh. I love this conversation because one, I think that [00:08:00] also led to my first episode of burnout was being the best. Okay, I am this doctor, obesity medicine doctor. I gotta make sure I'm the best obesity medicine doctor, not just a regular doctor. I gotta be the best. I gotta see all the patients. Oh, let me join this committee.
Let me do, no, I just want to take care of patients. Mm-hmm. , do my job and go home. Yes. That like find the space and career where I can do that. Mm-hmm. not be the head of this. And on this committee and that committee and that all unpaid . Exactly. Just the regular doctor and then go home. Part of it is because of how we were raised.
and the different fights that our, our parents and still people to this day. I still have to fight some of those fights that we've had to do. Mm-hmm. , but we don't have to fight those fights in every single space. I see. I do think it is very important to find those [00:09:00] activities first. Just find easy activities where you can just be me or just be you.
So for me, that's why the yoga was important to me when I got into yoga. I knew day one, I wasn't going to be like the black yoga girl who's gonna represent all. No, I'm just,
that's not how my body was. I'm not hyper. I was 36 year old woman getting into this Uhhuh uhhuh. My joints are who they are. They might stretch some , but it's not gonna be, you know, the way others are. Okay? Mm-hmm. . So I think me having this space where I'm just like, okay, I'm going to use these pillows and blocks and all this stuff to do it, and I'm just gonna bend how my body wants to bend without being super.
It was cool. So I got used to doing that and was okay with being just myself in that space. Mm-hmm. . And then I could use that same sense and bring that [00:10:00] same energy to other spaces. So then when I see myself going into other arenas and I am doing all this extraness, I'm like, hmm, no, I'm not let, I always take a moment.
One of the coaches I used to work with would say, I know you can do it. Mm-hmm. , but should you, and do you have to? Right, right. Like really asking myself that. when I am going into different spaces, cuz right now I'm starting, I'm looking for different jobs and whatnot. So one of the big things, before I even go into an interview, I already have like a list of kind of what I call my bare minimums.
Yeah. I know I need a flexible schedule. I know likely part-time. I know that I just wanna be able to go to work and come home. Mm-hmm. , not all the extra stuff. So one, knowing that within myself is very important. But all that came from me practicing that. Right on the yoga mat or in Zumba class or just when [00:11:00] I'm at home or when I'm Kiki and with my girlfriends at brunch, me just means my regular self.
Not this over exaggerated version of myself, just the regular.
Yes. Yes. So a funny, when you said that I was reminded of this meme that I'd seen and it was just like, you know, will you be my wifey? Remember that song? And older woman was just like, no. Mm-hmm. And so that's how I felt when I got divorced.
But anyway, that was an aside. So when you, when you said that, when you were just like No. No. And you know, so getting back to the topic, that is one of the things that I recommend to people who are getting started in their careers, right? Because I'm in tech, we hear a lot of people that are just like, I wanna get in tech, I wanna be in tech.
And it's just like, I, I'm so nervous at these interviews and it's just like, Be nervous, but also be, be vigilant, go in with your list of questions. Like you said, you have your list of your bare minimum. Like, here's what I know that I need. I'm going to need [00:12:00] flexibility. I'm going to need a work culture that is supportive of, you know, parents in general, but also of my lifestyle as a Single, Mother by Choice.
You know? So there are certain things that are just non-negotiables that is whether I'm in a relationship, whether I'm looking for a job, , with my kids, it's just like, mommy needs sleep. That's non-negotiable, you know? Yeah. But there are certain things that are non-negotiables. So , I do love hearing about, you know, I've taken control of this and I'm able to kind of steer this ship.
So when you talk about creating that space where you can just go and you can just be. How do we go about doing the same for our kids, we have these kids, and I actually did a podcast episode about parenting. The kid in front of you, you have these kids. You have all of these hopes and these dreams for them even before they're here, right?
You've got the college funds, you've got, they're getting the house, they're running track, they're playing football, they're doing all these things, doctor, lawyer, what have you. [00:13:00] But then you get this little ball of a child that's just like, I want none of that, I wanna be an artist. I wanna sing. And it's just like, okay.
Right. So now you have to flip the script. So how do we go about creating a space where our kids don't have to be magic? Our kids don't have to work twice as hard. Like I swear, it's a day thing that I try to do to the pandemic, really? Forced me to see my kids, right? Because you could have this entire path planned out for them, but you can't plan a pandemic.
And my oldest was in kindergarten at the time that the pandemic hit. And I was a reader as a child. I loved books. I imagined having kids who loved books and we were gonna read books and do all the Choose your adventure books together. And then the pandemic hit and there were some foundational reading blocks that my daughter did not get.
And so that meant for [00:14:00] the 18 months after the pandemic all the way up until probably last summer, we had to work really hard on helping to restore those building blocks. And I had to really see my child. It was, I did not have a lot of my best moments during that time, but it was just like, you know, as much as I say I wanna set excellence aside and I wanna set magic aside, , I had to fight myself to be okay with her not being excellent in this thing and having to partner with her and trying to get to her level.
And I mean, there were times where she cried and I'm just like, oh my gosh, I'm a terrible mom. And it's like, because in the moment it's just like, we just read that word, how could you not get that word? And it just kind of felt like each time we were picking up a book, we were starting from zero. And I mean,
I really struggled and I had to have a lot of conversations with [00:15:00] her, a lot of conversations with her school. It was really humbling because they were like, she's gonna need a lot of help and a lot of support and you know, to hear, you know, your kid is working as hard as they, they could. But then as a single mom, you're like, did I fall down on the job?
Because the pandemic hit me hard too. I almost lost it all. It almost broke me and I prioritized staying alive and emotionally well during the pandemic. And did I fail? Right with, not staying on top of her reading because I didn't have two parents in the house and one parent could quit their job and stay home and help the kids with school.
I was literally trying to survive. They said the kids in kindergarten, the kids had an hour and a half. I was like, that's good. I did not get up until 10 o'clock. And her class started at 10 15 and that was how we got through the first, from March to June of her kindergarten year. [00:16:00] And so then I was just like, you know, did I fail her?
So part of the fight and part of the pushing for her to be excellent was also me trying to say I didn't fail her, you know, and fighting myself. Like I didn't fail her, but still, I have this seven year old who I'm just like crying because she's just like, I'm done. I give up. And I'm just like, you can't give up.
Right? And so it was. a lot. I think I am past it because we had to do a lot of work, and I have a therapist now, but it was quite intense to realize that your kid might not like the things that you like and for circumstances outside of both of your controls may have missed some things and, but they're still your kid.
Like I, I remember talking to a mom and she's just like, you know, yes, we understand that, but it's still their childhood, right? And so it's just like, that humbled me that made me see [00:17:00] her for the little tiny person that she was, right. And it's just like, and I'm getting down to the level because I had to get to her level to realize what childhood meant to me might be the same as what it means to her.
So how do we create these spaces where our kids don't have to be magic and they can be something different than who we imagine them to be? How do we do that?
I think part of it is how do you show up when your child, so I'm using a yoga phrase, is when your child is at their edge. So when we're in a pose and when you're like right at the limit of where your body's gonna move, that's what they consider your edge.
So when the child, you describe your daughter and she was reading and she's just not hearing the words, that's her edge. She is trying to do it and she's not able to kind of push past it. Part of it, and you've described it, described it so beautifully. One way of supporting your child is understanding where you are and given yourself that grace and knowing that, hey, you just went through a [00:18:00] pandemic that we all thought we were gonna die every day.
which is terrifying. Mm-hmm. . And we all did our best. So all the practices that you're cultivating to make sure your well is supporting your child. Right. But then also thinking of it from their perspective, she was struggling. and how do you wanna show up for someone, even a child, when they're struggling, you want to support them.
You want to see how you can, if you can make it a little bit easier for them or just see how you can orient them to show them what they can do is very helpful. Listening to how you're speaking to them, changing your voice to let them know that you're not mad, you're not upset, or even saying that, oh no, this is not upsetting.
You're learning. Really letting them know that this is the process and it's okay. We can do it all over again. This is how you grow up. You didn't get it this time. Like coming up with different affirmations like that. So that one, when kids are growing up, all these phrases that we say over and over again, [00:19:00] you can think of phrases that your parents said to you when you were younger.
Like I just brought up the phrase that my mom said to me growing up, that I was gonna make her lose her job. When you say those, not that phrase. Right. People, positive phrases to your child in those really stressful moments, they stick. Right. So, and ahead of time already having those kind of in your head, you're doing great, you're doing the best you can.
We can take a pause and come back to this later. Mm-hmm. or seeing what they need in that moment. Cuz maybe they, maybe they're sad cuz they want to be able to read but they can't. They just need a hug or they just need to do something else for a moment. Creating that space for them to be able to do that and express that to you or to the parent versus like, how I was raised Uhuh, you need to sit here and get it done and you better finish it.
You better make an "A", like, there's different ways of phrasing it to be supportive. Mm-hmm. And not unless you succeed, it's not [00:20:00] perfect. Right. So making sure that that balance and that spectrum is there.
So, thank you. Where can my listeners find you?
Yes,
brew Wellness Collective is my business. You can find me on Instagram. Or you go to my website. Join my email list, www.brewwellnesscollective.com.
Yes. And get those morning affirmations. Yes. . Well, thank you all for listening and stay tuned.
We're gonna come back to the pole dancing story because I actually have a pole and it's a story , so I'm just making a note ,
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