Episode Transcript
/[00:00:00]
Welcome to Start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice, just looking for practical advice, but navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins, and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey.
Aisha: Hi everybody. I am here with a guest today and I'm excited to feel really new in this particular topic and situation that I'm going to introduce. So this year, my youngest turned four years old and I think I'm low key freaking out, I'm still not 100 percent sure, but a chapter of our journey is coming to a close.
My kids are a little bit bigger. I see more freedom on the horizon. They're more independent. So I feel more comfortable [00:01:00] leaving them with a babysitter so that I can go out and do grown woman things. And so also there's a freedom. That comes financially because daycare, my daycare years are coming to an end.
So I'm going to feel like a rich witch at some point next year, because that daycare tax is not minimal. It's huge. And so We're going to have freedom, both socially, I'll have freedom financially. And so yeah, I think I am ready to start dating again. And so I won't say that I did not do any dating while my kids were young.
I did have a couple of false starts. I got in there. I saw that the dating pool was kind of rough. I got out, , I went on to have another baby and here I am. So. I feel a little bit rusty. It's been over 10 years since I've dated someone seriously. My wants have changed, my needs. Heck, my entire dating profile has changed.
Now I [00:02:00] have kids don't want anymore. I'm looking for something casual, so I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm also a parent with a unique set of circumstances, which when I'm out there in the dating world, it could be met with mixed messages or mixed reactions. And so I'm always trying to be a little bit more on guard and protected for, in particular, the verbally violent reactions to being a single mother by choice.
So I feel like I need to go back to the start. I need to adjust my expectations and my approach to dating. And so, but I want to date. And so I have to be in it to win it. And so I have a guest here who is going to help me figure out how to navigate dating in the era of social media. When I dated back in the past, social media was still fairly young and it wasn't, it didn't play as prominent a role in our lives and in our dating experience as it does now.
And [00:03:00] so let me introduce my guest. I have Jada here. Jada is a 20 something podcaster with a very refreshing view on being just a woman in today's age, an assertive woman, Fairly comfortable speaking about what your needs or wants are in terms of dating. So I feel like I need a little bit of that pep talk or just to get a reality check.
So Jada is the host of the Sincerely Jada podcast. Her podcast is about learning and unlearning and finding one's voice, which I love. I love your podcast. I get caught up on it and it's just such a positive. and realistic outlook on life. And I think that we could all just kind of benefit from just the different voices that are around us, but in particular those ones that are upbeat, that are optimistic, because there's a lot to not be optimistic about in this world.
And [00:04:00] so I have Jada here, and your message I think is timeless. It's one that resonates with women, and in particular with me as a single mother by choice, I have to be a bit more assertive, but I need to balance that a little bit. So before we jump into the episode, I'm going to ask Jada to please introduce yourself.
Jada: Yeah, well, thank you, Aisha. I love your podcast as well. And thank you for the kind words. So as Aisha said, my name is Jada. So I'm 24 years old, I'm located in Ottawa, Ontario in Canada. My podcast, like Aisha said, is called Sincerely Jada. So the main premise is just learning and unlearning and going with me through my journey as a 20 something where I navigate, where I navigate different issues in my interpersonal relationships, whether it be love, mental health, vulnerability, etc.
And this topic is a really interesting topic for me. I think that when it comes to dating and social media, like you [00:05:00] said, it's become a point where most dating and relationships you find where you're asking people where they met, they might say Bumble, they might say Instagram, it's not as much in person nowadays.
And I think with my experience, I'm I'm You know, just to frame my experience, I'm in a long term relationship and my partner actually slid into my DMs. So that kind of relationship started on social media. But of course, I've also had the experiences where, you know, you get those unpleasant messages nowadays of people into your messages a bit abruptly, not necessarily being super respectful.
And yeah, those experiences have been unpleasant as well. All right.
Aisha: So you mentioned DMs. So from a high level, take us through what the DM game is, like, what does it mean to jump into somebody's DMs? And then how much good trouble Or bad trouble. Could that lead to?
Because, Wendell [00:06:00] Pierce, I'm trying to jump into your DMs, and I want to get it the right way, so.
Jada: Yeah, I think. It of course looks like, so nowadays sometimes it looks like if it's on Instagram you might, , like a couple pictures here and there, comment if you're bold enough, and eventually you'll send a message.
It usually starts maybe by replying to what someone posts so if they post a nice story out to dinner looking nice you might say oh like that restaurant looks nice. I like that outfit just to throw it out there without throwing it out there but yeah it's definitely a process and I'm glad that.
Personally, I've never been the one to jump in someone's DMs, , so I don't know how to go about that, but sometimes people definitely start with the compliments. If you're bold enough, you might call someone beautiful, call someone handsome, compliment what they're doing, and like you said, it can definitely come with some bad trouble.
So sometimes people's approaches are very forward, and [00:07:00] you know, that could be... a definite put off to some people. For example, , we have some DMs, some guys, not to, you know, put anyone out there, but they might be more frequent or persistent. So they'll DM maybe once a day or DM frequently or reply to a lot of stories.
And I think that's where, , becomes a bit much, but definitely some trouble when somebody jumps into somebody's DMs, tries to reach out to them, but doesn't actually say what their intentions are. So it can be, , an endless game where you're constantly going back and forth in the messages, but you don't actually leave the messages and go out on a date or meet up or have a phone call.
So I think that's when it can become pretty negative because there can be some mixed signals there.
Aisha: Okay. Okay. So if I wanted to get into Wendell Pierce's DMs or get on his radar, I say things like, I've watched, Death of a Salesman like three times, just so that I could see you looking all good in that suit.
How's that?
Jada: I [00:08:00] think the beginning part, maybe looking all good in that suit, that would be flattering. So I think that would be a good way to jump in somebody's DMs. Maybe even if there's shared interests, like you said, if they're an actor, maybe you can really cement yourself as a movie buff and try and, try and get those shared interests out there as well.
Okay.
Aisha: Okay. Okay. I'm gonna try some stuff. I'm gonna try some stuff. All right, so the intersection of dating and social media. I am on the various dating apps, I kind of balance meeting people just kind of being out there organically doing things that I love and I've, I've met people that way, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am.
Muddy in the waters. Online dating gives you that nice kind of digital buffer for meeting people. So I I've done both, but in particular to online dating, when we talk about online dating, we're not just talking about the apps, right?
So we're not just talking about Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, [00:09:00] eHarmony, if you go that far back, but we're also talking about utilizing your actual social media profiles, your personal social media profiles, as a form of online dating, right?
Jada: Yeah, so it even goes off those dating apps as well.
So I know, like I said, my partner originally reached out to me on Snapchat and off of Snapchat, it originally started on my school app, where I actually posted something and he had seen my photo and recognized me and got my Snapchat off of there. So even when you're scrolling on your school app, asking for textbooks, that could potentially be a profile as well.
But I think that A lot of the times we see that sometimes people don't necessarily have luck with the dating apps. Like I have, maybe sometimes they find certain apps might have certain reputations. I know Tinder, for example has more of a reputation to be a hookup app as opposed to, , a serious relationship.
So I think sometimes Instagram, especially because you can see what a person's [00:10:00] post might convey about them, what interests they might have, where they like to go. Things like that. And then you can also see their photos, so you can see if they would even be of interest. So I think nowadays our profiles, whether it be on Facebook, Instagram, et cetera, they are all kind of tools for somebody to get to know us, which, of course, can be a good and bad thing.
Aisha: So I do want to come back to the good and the bad thing, because It gives kind of stalker vibes to me when I think, but it could just be because of the era that I come from. I have seen some dating profiles on the different apps, so on Bumble, on Hinge, where people will say, Here's my Spotify list.
Here's my Instagram handle. Is that really like
a thing?
Jada: Yes, Aisha, it's a thing. And I can see, of course, the view of it being stalker vibes because of course, you might just be talking to someone on an app, you don't necessarily want them to add you on Facebook and see your whole family or anything like that, but I guess we could start with the [00:11:00] good.
So I think the good aspect is that you can potentially save yourself a bit of time when you're building a connection because, you know, let's say you're talking to someone on an app for a while, you exchange social medias, maybe you have a look at their Spotify, you can see the, potential areas of interest you might have.
You can also see potential red flags. So, for example, You know, they might be posting some very weird things. , sometimes people repost these certain quotes or, these certain things that you just kind of look at and you're like, I don't really want to talk to someone who believes in these things or has these values.
So I think that is a potential good thing because you can see a bit into their lifestyle and then you can start to picture how that lifestyle would be. Whether that lifestyle would agree with what you believe in as well, whether that just be them. Sometimes I know women, sometimes we tend to like to maybe look at somebody's Instagram, that way we can get a feel of who they follow.
If they're following, lots of women, maybe that might be a red flag and suggest [00:12:00] that, you're just one of many, like, I think there could be potential ways to save yourself time and look into someone's lifestyle, but equally that can come with, , kind of stalker vibes, like you said.
Mm-hmm. . So there's a level of oversharing. I know for example, a lot of people use Twitter where they might vent their feelings or talk about personal things, and then once somebody has access to that, they're now seeing your day to day the types of things that you're interested in. And there might be certain things that you don't want them to see.
I know that. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he, , stalked me, I guess. So he went on, he admitted that he had went on my Facebook, of course, to see, what I'm like, and my Facebook is not very current, right? So the photos I had on there were, middle school photos, and like really embarrassing photos.
And in that case, it was bad because those were not the type of photos I would have wanted him to see. But I guess. For him, he thought it was good because he could see my kind of playful, nerdy Adelaide's inside. [00:13:00] So, like I said, I think the bad part is that it gives you the potential to see aspects of somebody's life that they may not be ready to share, especially early on in a relationship.
Aisha: Okay. I'm going to have to pause because I'm just trying to take notes because what you said is so layered. The fact that you said Twitter, my generation, it was Facebook. Twitter has like a character limit. So if I'm going to vent, I'm venting like 40 years worth of venting.
So that was one thing. But then the photo thing. That makes me nervous, as a mom, because weirdos are out there, right, I know on Facebook, you can put people into groups. Can you do the same thing with Instagram and Twitter so that you do expose the photos that you want to share and then not expose the photos that you don't want to share to potential dating partners?
Jada: Yeah, that's a fair question. So when it comes to Twitter, I don't believe so, especially since it's more of like a [00:14:00] public forum as well.
But on Instagram, you can, you know, it would more so be hiding your stories or hiding. I'm not sure if you can hide posts, but you can definitely hide stories if you're posting, you know, for example, a photo of your children on a day out and it's a story you can potentially hide who you share it and then you also have an option to have like a close friends a lot of people close a lot of people use close friends to post more like tea and more scandalous things but you know it depends on somebody's you know preference but that is how you go about doing it but like you said it's there are certain areas especially when you're getting to know someone that you don't want them to have access to so it's not exactly set up so you can do those things unfortunately
Aisha: Okay.
Okay. So I, I will definitely look into the close friends, but then also, because as I was going through the dating profiles, I was like, why would I click on your Instagram profile? Like, that's TMI. Are you just trying to get followers? Like, I don't, I don't care, you know, at a certain point, I do care. But in the [00:15:00] beginning, like, I want to know who you are, not who you present to.
To be on social media, but I do think that you can weed out some crazy people, you know,
Jada: and I will say that Instagram is particularly helpful. If somebody has photos that are not necessarily clear and you're trying to see, is this person good looking? And are they not, I think that's what most people like the Instagrams for, because I've even found like in looking sometimes at the photos that men in particularly, if that's what you're interested in, are.
Posting, they don't tend to take the most flattering photos and you could potentially find that they look a lot better in person and then maybe it helps you weed out, you know, the people who actually do look as bad as they look in photos. Okay,
Aisha: okay. All right, thank you for that. Now, because even guys that I am chatting with currently will be like, oh, well, why don't you check out this picture, on my Instagram?
I'm like. I don't want to check out your picture while I am currently talking to you. You can just send me a photo, [00:16:00] but, but that's, that's my petty side. So,
Jada: yeah, they might be after a few likes in that case.
Aisha: Yeah. Okay. All right. So. There used to be the whole rule of no sex, no politics, no religion and finance like in the workplace and that kind of like went over into the early stages of dating.
Is that still a rule? Is it out the window? I kind of feel like I know the answer to this one, but I'm going to lobby it over to you.
Jada: Yeah, so I don't know what I would think about this question. I think definitely politics, race, sex stuff, stuff like this on a first date are a no for me. Well, maybe religion.
I think religion might be helpful, , to get a feel of whether you align with someone when it comes to their spirit, their spirituality. I always stumble over that word. There's spirituality and, , their religious views, but I think that, first dates should maybe be as minimal as possible while getting the maximum information.
So what I mean is like, things like what you do for a living definitely [00:17:00] important. You might not tell someone where you work, for example, on the first date, so they don't show up one day with flowers all of a sudden. After a few dates, especially in the dating stage, I think that maybe after the second date you can get into stuff like that.
I think it helps to save a bit of time and also show a bit of personality when you talk more about, you know, serious topics. Whether, I don't know if I'd want to get into a long debate about race and stuff like this on the first or second date might be a bit intense, but I think it's really important to show as much of yourself as possible, but not be too forward, especially when it comes, particularly with things like sex, I would say,
Aisha: okay, okay, okay, that's fair.
That's fair. Yes, my, my one date that went awry was, yeah, it kind of bled over into. I think fundamental differences, like the guy was hot, you know, and so there was definitely that attractive vibe. But then when we started talking about personal choice, like I'm a single mother by [00:18:00] choice. He was a military person, very traditional, but divorced.
Right. And so then, Even during conversations, it would be little things like, you know, black women should get married, and was like a mini commercial on selling me on marriage and I'm like, but you're twice divorced and I'm one divorce, right and it's just like so old school. You're not really selling me on that, but it was still like he actually brought conversation, which is rare at this age, even in dating.
And so, so definitely I, I struggled with trying to figure out, this was the first person I dated. post having a podcast and post kind of like, , taking and being a representative in the Single Mother by Choice space. So having that conversation was kind of like my first, foot out the door.
And I kind of wish that I had held onto it to like the third date, because then I would have at least gotten like, , some fun adult experiences with, just like, At 40, [00:19:00] almost 50, he was just a well made physical specimen. And so, but I think that if I had spoken to you before I actually went on that first date, I would have had you in my head like, no, no, no, you won't say that to the third date.
I probably would have had.
Jada: Yeah. I think sometimes on first dates, it can be awkward too, because you're trying to get as much. out of it as you want, you don't know how many dates it's going to take to really get into the good stuff. So you want to tell them, , your ideals, see their reactions to certain things.
But I think that, like you said, like that balance and letting them see, your fun side, initially the interest you have, or, , the foods that you like more relaxed topics so that they can really build some rapport with you. And you can have like some light banter, some fun, but of course, balancing that with, what are you looking to get out of dating.
Where would you like to take this interaction?
Aisha: Yes, yes, yes. So lesson learned. Too bad it was on such a good tasty specimen, morsel of a man. Okay, so [00:20:00] while, while I keep it in mind, this, wonderful specimen of a man, we did have earlier conversations, a few earlier conversations, where there were some yellow orange flags.
Orange flags is what they call them. So what are some red flags? Orange flags, we should be on the lookout for to kind of, help you make that decision sooner rather than later.
Jada: Yeah. Well, I can get into some red flags as well. I also could maybe share a story or two. I think that, so I'll share a situation first and then get into the red flags after.
So when I was in university, of course, , university has the great, , reputation of being the place where you find your partner. But of course, there's a lot of guys in university that even the idea of a relationship gives them, flutters down their spine. They're not looking for it at all.
So before meeting my partner, I had met somebody who, our meeting was very out of a movie, I would say. So I had walked past them on the road, and then he [00:21:00] circled back, and then basically came to me, which was kind of weird now that I think about it. But essentially, the red flags in that situation were a lot, I would say, and, , I'm the type of person who I feel like I try to be very direct, but I've been told throughout my life that sometimes I can be too direct, so I was trying to play it cool, and I regret that a little bit, but essentially, The red flag I found in that situation is that he was very, , complimenty in the beginning, very looking to charm me, flatter me with all types of compliments.
And it felt nice, I will say. But the red flag with that is that there was never any follow through. So there's compliments. Oh, I want to take you on a date. I want to do this. And there's never any date plan. There's never any follow up. And, you know, being very insistent on hanging out alone, not necessarily going to public places, but it's kind of, , the your house or mine type of vibe.
And so those are some definite red flags, like someone who's very flirty, very [00:22:00] charming, but they don't necessarily follow through, they'll say all these, Brand things make all these grand gestures, but at the end of the day, they're not making any moves. They're not doing what they say they'll do, especially when it comes to going on dates.
If they talk about, Oh, I'd love to have a girlfriend. I'd love to make you my girlfriend, but they never asked stuff like that. , they talk a big game, but they never follow up. That situation was my experience with a red flag, and then additional red flags in that situation were just lack of communication.
So, one day you have the person who will be texting you a dozen times a day, and you guys are having a free flowing conversation, and then a few days later, you don't hear from them. Like, constant. Breaks in communication with no explanation as to why, and then, when you call it out, there's always the excuses.
Some people are even bold enough to say, , we're not dating, so I didn't know whether or not we had to keep in contact. Those types of jabs sometimes you'll hear in the dating world. So, I think other red flags I've seen are [00:23:00] people who are very secretive, , not willing... Not willing to share much when it comes to what they're doing their every day, not necessarily asking questions about, their schedule, but they're not sharing, they're not opening up, whether it be about family, their job, stuff like that.
They're hiding details. And also people who are just very, and I would say this is one of my red flags when it comes to dating, just because I think a lot of times people who come across as very agreeable, . They never seem to have an opinion about anything. They're very easygoing, free flowing, but a lot of times they will actually have things bothering them or things that they don't like, but they don't express it because they want to come across as, just going with the flow.
So that's a red flag for me because I think a lot of people start off being very agreeable, very easygoing in the beginning, but all of a sudden they might switch up and have all of these expectations that they've never voiced before.
Aisha: Yeah, those are those are good ones. So I'm nervous to even say this because some of those [00:24:00] flags do do apply to me personally, because I've got the kids and so I'm very protective of my kids.
And so guys will be like, , so How would this work with your kids? Well, you're never going to meet my kids, right? I've softened on that a little bit. Like, you'll meet them later, but and then it's the, the whole conception story, because you will typically get , where's the dad?
Some people say that they'll wait to the third date to say their kids are donor conceived I kind of feel it out, but usually I'm probably like a one or two conversation and like I had them on my own and you'll get people that are just like, Oh, so that ends up being a part of the conversation.
And I think I've mastered trying to keep it light, but where I stumbled with the nice military specimen. was that I actually said I lead a group of women doing this and I felt the cold chill come in and that's when the entire date went from flirty fun to like, okay, where's the exit?
And so still, still working on that one. [00:25:00] But, but yeah, so you brought up some, some flags that are mine. Some of the things that you mentioned as flags, I find do crop into my relationships because it's not that I.
Pretend to be laid back and chill. I really am, but there are specific things that are, are actual things to me. So those are the battles that I pick. So out of like 10, it could be three things and it's just like, this, that, the other. I'm just like, yeah, whatever. I'm down for whatever.
Right. But it's like those three things that are like those bombs. Right. And it is said that I become a different person. Well, I think that that's when people actually hear my big voice because I'll, along the lines, I'll be like, no, my kids are really important.
, my time is really valuable. So kids. My time and my podcast stuff, right? So those are, let's say, those are the three things. And they'll be like, yeah, whatever. And then like, this actually happened. I was scheduled to go out on a date with a restaurateur and it was [00:26:00] like 12 AM on the day that we were supposed to meet and I had sent him a message earlier, confirming, but at 12 or one o'clock in the morning, he was like, I can't make it.
I had gotten a sitter. And so I was just like, Oh no. I was just like, whatever, , one, that's my time and that's my money. And I don't play with other people's money. So I wasn't going to cancel on the sitter. I just took myself to a spa day, but I shut it down and blocked him. And so that could have been seen as an overreaction, but all along the way, I'm like, I have kids, my time is valuable. I'm going to confirm with you on this time. Once I get a sitter, I confirm with you you're like, that's cool, cool, cool. And then I can't make it. And so then that's when you got the overreaction.
But along the way, there had been green flag, yellow flag, orange flag. Red flag. Boom. And so, so anyway,
Jada: yeah, I think that's something I struggled with to like, of course you want to be agreeable in the beginning and it's not even you being agreeable as you said like there's certain things in [00:27:00] particular that you'll fight those battles.
But there's other things that it's like, yeah, no, that's not a big deal. So I think there's sometimes, a difficulty in balancing it in between where we can catch people off guard sometimes where it's like, okay, well, this person was like, super chill. Oh, you can't make it that day. That's okay.
And then there's one specific thing that they're very passionate about, but. I think, especially when it comes to our time and you, of course, I'm not a mother. So, of course, I can't imagine being a mother in that space. , you're going to be protective over your children, your time, etc. So, finding people who have that same mindset, I'm sure can be difficult as well.
Okay.
Aisha: So, all right. So let's say I've overcome all of these dating obstacles and I found my needle in the haystack. And now I'm in a relationship. What does that look like in terms of social media being a factor? Because I am on social media. I'm a content creator of the podcast. What does that mean? Like, do you, Do you friend each other?
Do [00:28:00] you follow each other? Do you share passwords? Like what, what are the new rules governing social media while being in a relationship?
Jada: Yeah, this is a great question. I think that when it comes to the new rules, I'll say when it comes to sharing passwords some people in relationships, I think that they do that.
Me personally, I don't, I don't think that should necessarily be a rule and I don't think it should be an expectation. Especially since you have your own life, your own autonomy, you want to be able to receive messages to, , navigate the social media world without being worried that someone's watching you.
But I think that The more so rules that we see, I think definitely friending somebody, following somebody. I think sometimes in relationships, when we find that somebody is particularly hesitant to share their social media handle, they don't want you to follow them. You might assume that they're hiding something or that they don't really want to let you into that part of their life.
So, someone who's doing that, you might assume that they're closed off. They're not willing to share their life with you. So I [00:29:00] think when it comes to those boundaries, particularly the ones I've seen are when it comes to engaging with social media. So, , if you find yourself in a relationship, especially if it's a relationship that started online, I think it's fair for your partner to maybe be uncomfortable for you constantly.
Adding or speaking with new people. I think that could be an insecurity, especially, , if you added me or our relationship started on Instagram, and then you're constantly interacting with other people on Instagram, it wouldn't be hard for me to assume that you have interest in them as well. So I think that when it comes to, , people of the opposite sex.
who you don't know, adding them on social media, interacting with them a lot, but those lines definitely blur when you're a content creator or you're a business owner. Of course, you have to be open and you can't necessarily just stop speaking to certain people or stop, , being open to those conversations.
But I think as a general rule of thumb not engaging as much with people you don't know, adding them, speaking to them, especially adding them in [00:30:00] bulk. Sometimes we find that people might follow, 25 people and they're all women or they're all men. That might be a bit fishy. Yeah. And I think that social media, when it comes to presenting your relationship on there can definitely be an expectation as well.
I think as a general. rule. A lot of people nowadays have this rule that they want to be posted or they want to be reflected on somebody's social media. I can't lie, I'm one of those people as well. Maybe not on like a business account as well, but I think it's really important to not necessarily hide a relationship when it actually does become official and it becomes serious, just because if you have potential people who might be looking at your profile, maybe you post a nice picture, they might want to ask you out.
It's always great to, , have it reflected that you are in a relationship. And that might not necessarily look like, so and so is dating so and so on Facebook, like those status updates, but it could look like, A photo share every now and then, , if you're on a nice date, maybe you have a photo that you [00:31:00] upload.
I think just being able to be open and not necessarily feel like somebody is hiding you is the main reason why that's an expectation. Yeah, but definitely not one to share in an account, but.
Aisha: Okay, and so your significant other knows that you have a podcast. Like, I struggle because I share so much of myself and my family and just different aspects of my life on the podcast.
When is a good point to say? Hey, I
Jada: have a podcast. Yeah. I think when you begin dating, it's a good thing maybe to share. So a few months in, maybe even before that depends, the premise of your podcast is a lot more personal sharing about your life as well. So I can understand that hesitancy, but I think you can also set an expectation, you know, letting them know that it's there, you know, but also letting them know that it's like a personal thing to you.
It's about. These subject matters and it wouldn't necessarily be something that you might want them to consume or, it might be a boundary in that way where it's like, this is my thing, but I [00:32:00] think letting them know that you have one and then that way they have the option if it's a relationship and there might be certain subject matter about them that you might want to speak on, then at least they have that, warning there that they can say, Hey, I might not be comfortable with you mentioning, a full summary of our dates and the fights we get into on your podcast.
But, I can appreciate that you have one. So I think that definitely letting somebody know that would be a good idea as well. And then if it's something that you might not want them to consume, then I think that can be set as an expectation.
Aisha: Okay. Okay. I like that. Because it's, it's the podcast and it's the YouTube and it's just like, yeah, because I, I grew up like in Brooklyn in the eighties.
So I'm just kind of like, Gun shy of like stalker stuff and then like knowing too much and then having someone date you already with a template in mind and apply that template. And so then you're thinking like, Oh, we're connecting on so many levels. But meanwhile, they've consumed your YouTube channel.
[00:33:00] They've listened to your podcast. And so I'm a bit leery in that way. I think this is a new world for me.
Jada: Yeah, I think it can be difficult, of course, but I think a lot of times we're kind of preempting the negatives that can arise or the different red flags that can come out of there. But I think a certain level of openness, of course, to build that relationship, it's kind of a scary thing and you don't want people consuming that content.
But at the end of the day, I feel like it is a part of. You, it would be a resource that somebody can use to get to your perspectives on things, even if it's not a romantic relationship. So I think it could be, equally beneficial in some ways where somebody is able to kind of appreciate that full aspect of you being a content creator and seeing how that intertwines with your life as well.
Yes,
Aisha: interesting. Okay. So, so I will say, being a parent and being someone who manages people and even doing the podcast, and managing a, a community of [00:34:00] adults, it's like, the better you know yourself, the more you're able to temper your reactions and temper it. The things, or if you know the things that trigger you, right?
And so knowing thyself, so in one of your latest episodes, you talked about taking the personality test. And I think when, when we spoke, I talked about, , the five love languages. And so I did go through and take the personality test. And like I said, There was nothing really surprising, like it comes down to, I'm kind of like a peacemaker, kind of like that, that middle person, , I was a, a nine, I think, a nine E or something, just kind of like all the way through, but it pretty much, cut down the middle that, you're the peacemaker, you like to see peace, you'd like to see, balanced reactions.
You can, I, I, and I have always been, fairly good at seeing the other side. of, an argument to the point where people were like, you know, how could you not be upset? And I'm like, well, [00:35:00] you know, the human aspect of it is this is what it is. So understanding that that's the motivating factor for that person.
I don't internalize, , the thing that was lobbed at me. It's just like, yeah, that's who you are. That's not how I see it. And I'm just going to, to walk away right now. And leave it there. So boundaries are really good. So what are, what are your thoughts on things like the personality tests and things like the five love languages as tools to have in your toolbox for dating and interacting on social media?
Jada: Yeah, I think that those tools are very, very helpful. I think even when I took the personality test, my personality type is definitely more emotional, more anxious, more empathetic, and like passionate. I would definitely say I'm someone who's driven by emotion. So I think that that. Me knowing that helps me interact in my relationships better because, because I know that I'm driven by emotions, I can be more anxious, I can be, , caring, I guess what people call an empath [00:36:00] or whatever.
But I think that because I know that I know how to manage my feelings so I can be more aware of when I might be projecting, I can be more aware of, you know, me having a larger reaction than what's necessary in a certain situation. And love languages, I would say, is such a Big tool as well, because I think that for me, the way I like to give love to people is I like to give gifts.
And I'm, I think I like to give acts of service as well because I feel like I'll be very helpful to somebody, especially if they're working on a project or they have a certain dream they're trying to, , make happen. I can anticipate their needs in that way. And that's how I show love. But me, personally, I'm a words of affirmation girl, and I know that that's not a popular love language because people lie a lot.
But I definitely, need those affirmations, need those compliments, all those types of things are important to me. And I think that that can Impact relationships, if I wasn't aware of that, because a lot of people nowadays, they drift away from the [00:37:00] words of affirmation because, we always hear that actions are more important.
A lot of people might not necessarily see the importance of, you know, saying you look good or saying good job or something. They'll just do a specific action to convey that, but I need both. So yeah, I think just being aware of those things as well. And I think another aspect of knowing yourself is trying to present your full self to people.
I think in dating, sometimes we try and be, super calm, super chill to show potential partners that we're agreeable, we're fun to be around. And on the flip side, we might be very, aggressive or assertive because we want to show that we mean business and we want to get what we want out of the relationship.
So I think that not trying to teach you. far into either direction is a great tool as well. Just trying to present your full self, your interests, what you like, what you don't like, and not, being too much led by either of them. But especially when it comes to personality types, and like you said, being aware of potential triggers.
[00:38:00] So is there things from your childhood that you haven't dealt with? Are there specific issues that you're dealing with in your current life, whether it be maybe your , struggling financially or you're kind of lost in life. You don't know what to do. Like, are you dealing with those specific things that are going on?
Or are you just kind of pushing them to the side? Because if you are, then you're not truly aware of how those things are affecting you and how those things could affect your partner. Oh,
Aisha: I love that. Again, taking notes. So you mentioned three things but also the role that astrology plays like what's your astrological sign like if you believe in that I've seen those four things your your base personality type.
Triggers from your own upbringing in your life. Love languages, definitely. And then personalities. Like, I see a lot of personality type breakdown on the dating profiles. And so I'm just like, oh, okay, this is a thing. Like, I should do this. So. But yeah, and I think one of the things that I run into so [00:39:00] love languages, I, when I first took the love language assessment, I think it was like acts of service or something was the dominant one.
And now I think it is quality time with words of affirmation being the second in terms of what I receive. Yeah, I don't do access. I don't receive acts of service. Well, and I think that that's a shift becoming a single mom by choice. Like, if somebody is like, I want to do this thing for you, it has to be done a specific way because I need it done a specific way because of either the kids or whatever is going on in my circumstances, because if you do it wrong, I have to go back.
Do the thing and fix the thing that you did. So it's just like, so if you ever want like to, to send me a gift, like, Oh, I'm gonna send you a house cleaner, just put the money in my account. Let me find the house cleaner or the chef or whatever I need, but that's how you can help. Just do that and step back.
Now, in terms of what I give to my kids and what I give to my friends, I really try to be a quality time person [00:40:00] and an acts of service person for kids. It shifts a little bit toward words of affirmation because I have listened to the five love languages for kids and touch is, , kind of like a default, but also kind of like speaking into them and what they need to build them up each morning to help fill in the gaps that of what they lost during the day and things like that.
And then also those triggers, those childhood triggers are so huge and. How they manifest, where they show up, and how you recognize that you've been triggered. And then lastly, astrological. I run into problems with this one because I'm an Aquarius, which means I'm a bit detached and I think that pairs well with my personality type in terms of I can see both sides because I don't get necessarily emotionally involved in the actual issue itself.
It's just like, yeah, I said my piece and now I'm removed from it, but you can keep on talking. And, and so, but I have had that raise a [00:41:00] degree of insecurity in the men that I dated. Like, don't you need me? Don't you want me? Like, it's just like, yeah, that's. Isn't that like assumed like I'm here and I don't necessarily think that it's assumed like I'm comfortable.
We're Netflix and chilling. Like what more do you need like me to be your actual rib, right?
Jada: Yeah, yeah. A little emotional intimacy maybe. Yeah,
Aisha: I'm a hard one. I'm gonna be single forever.
Jada: Don't say that.
Aisha: So before we go, quick question.
So You being in a relationship, how do you apologize after a social media
Jada: gaffe? Luckily, I haven't been in the situation, but I would just say,
to just kind of acknowledge instead of defending. Whether you had a case or not, you basically embarrassed your partner. So I think acknowledging publicly, and I also think that, taking the time to look inward would be a good step as well. And I think not even bringing relationship matters [00:42:00] to social media at all, whether it is to vent, whether it is to sometimes we don't directly vent, we just post a quote, maybe a shady quote here and there to try and get our partner's attention.
I don't agree with any of that. I think that personally, The only things I want on social media of my relationship are maybe reflection things in terms of my podcast and photos. We don't need anything else on there aside from that.
But even if I do something that you don't particularly like, there's a way to go about it respectfully and say, hey, not in an accusatory way, like, in my relationship, personally, trying to not be accusatory.
So my partner might approach me and say, , this particular thing that you did, It made me feel this way and just keep it there. So I think having those conversations where you can express maybe you don't like something, maybe it's not your preference, but just leave it there. You don't need to hold me accountable or try and hold me responsible for that.
Aisha: Well, Jada, well, thank you so much for coming on my podcast and talking to me. Where can my listeners find you? [00:43:00] What's coming up for Sincerely Jada?
Jada: Yeah. Thank you so much for highlighting my podcast as well. So my podcast is available wherever you listen to your podcast, whether that be Spotify, Apple music.
On Amazon Music, Google Podcast, wherever you find it as well. You can also connect with me at my podcast Instagram at sincerely jada Pod on Instagram. And yeah, you'll be able to find more details, whether it be snippets of the podcast or upcoming episodes. And we're currently recording season two.
Where we get into a lot of different topics related to interpersonal relationships. Season one was more romantic relationships, career development, stuff like that, but we're trying to get more into exploring vulnerability childhood trauma experiences as well. So that's what you can expect.
We're just going to continue unlearning and learning over here.
Aisha: All right. Well, thank you. Until next time.
[00:44:00] Thanks for listening to Start to Finish Motherhood with Aisha. If you want to keep the conversation going, follow Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram or email me at aisha at start to finish motherhood. com. If you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice, anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey.
Until next time, bye now.
