Episode Transcript
Hi everybody. I wanted to start this off with defining the term Single Mother by Choice Single. Mother by Choice is a term coined by Jane Mattis, the founder of the Single Mother by Choice National Organization. It was meant to initially distinguish between people who found themselves as single moms as the result of a divorce from those who chose to be single parents from the outset.
Over [00:01:00] time, the term has gone through many evolutions, and today it's simply meant to amplify the affirmative decision that a person makes when they decide to parent solely on their own and without a partner. So centering on, choice and on their own as opposed to all of the other hoopla around the term. Now others may have other distinctions rolled into the term, the title, but this is my main definition.
This is not to disparage people who become single moms or solo parents by other means and other circumstances, but for me, I want to get in front of the negative assumptions that people who pursue this path, Have done it willy-nilly without given a whole lot of thought to what the future entails.
I myself am a planner and I'm a project manager, so having [00:02:00] a well thought out plan for most things in my life are important to me, and that was the approach that I took to becoming a Single Mother by Choice. So for me, The term was fitting. You'll hear me sometimes, use the term Single Mother by Choice or solo parent or choice mom.
For me, they're all one and the same. So a person can become a Single Mother by Choice or an SMC through a number of different routes, adoption, surrogacy, pregnancy. And I embrace all of you on this crazy journey, and I do encourage folks strongly to find your people. That way we're sharing information and we're sharing resources, and we're supporting each other.
For me, that's. been a crucial and important part of my Single, Mother by Choice journey and the evolution of my family. So adoption can also come in a number of varieties with domestic infant adoption, international adoption, and foster care [00:03:00] adoption. Surrogacy can come in different forms too, based on the source of the egg, and the sperm and pregnancy can happen by a number of different methods.
With a few combinations being the genetic sources and the makeup of the embryos that are carried. We are truly, truly living in interesting times where your dreams can come true if you're open to the the different path and options available. I'm a firm believer of staying in my lane and speaking to things that I am personally informed on.
I use I U I and I V F to conceive my children. So that's the story that I can tell with full transparency and honesty, and. Provide meaningful information to those of you on your journey. I will provide some resources in the episode notes for adoption and different Facebook groups and things of that [00:04:00] nature.
When I began my Single Mother by Choice journey. I really thought that I V F was the only option because my exposure had been media exposure, and so not necessarily talking to people, but hearing about what celebrities were doing, the price tag of I V F made me very hesitant.
I think I spent maybe two or three years in the thinking phase because of the price tag of I V F and what little I knew at the time, it had me frozen in place and I remember. Finally getting up the courage to call a fertility clinic. And I felt like I was in high school, I was getting ready to call a boy that I was crushing on, like I had sweaty palms.
I would dial and hang up, dial a hang up again, and eventually I finally bit the bullet and just made the call. And then I went to my initial consultation and that's where I learned about a procedure called iui. [00:05:00] Now side. The more I delve into health conditions, the more I delve into female health conditions and conditions that occur in the black community.
I am learning so much about the different options that are available in terms of treatment that are not spoken about, mainly because we don't always speak openly about health concerns and health conditions, and so a lot of these different options are available and they're lower intervention. Than what is out there in mainstream.
So it could prevent people from seeking care because they believe that, oh, it's going to be so invasive. So I u I was one of those situations where I initially thought because the media was my in information source that I v f was the only option. Hugely expensive. I can't do that. And so it kept me from seeking treatment for a [00:06:00] very long time.
The easiest way for me to explain what an IUI is, I look at IUI as the midpoint between I C I, which can be performed at home, and I V F, which is performed in a surgical clinical environment. So let me explain. I u I stands for intra Cervical Insemination. And it's performed as an outpatient procedure in a doctor's office or by a midwife in your home.
So you wait until the correct time of month when you're about to ovulate. A doctor will use a catheter going through your vagina, and just pretty much chuck some sperm into your uterus. And I will say, being on my Single Mother by Choice journey, I use. Almost every day in my regular dialogue.
And I just said vagina out loud. I mean, this is the world that I'm living in and it totally works now that I'm parenting kids and I'm like name your [00:07:00] body parts. And so we we're comfortable talking about vagina and sperm. Now that is an iui. ICI is probably. What I would put before I u I in terms of intervention and in terms of invasiveness.
So I c I stands for intra cervical Insemination and this can be performed in your home using a catheter, using a Diva Cup or any other device to kind of go in through your vagina and place the sperm up against your cervix. So the sperm hopefully can swim. It's way into the uterus and find an egg.
So typically people will keep their legs up in the air so that gravity is also working in their best interest. And then we have ivf, which stands for in vitro fertilization. Most of you are probably familiar with I V F because it's been out in the mainstream. There are lots of TV shows that talk about I V F.
Nowadays. But I V F is a medical procedure that's [00:08:00] performed in a surgical or a clinical setting because you need all of the sterility. You need anesthesia to go in and grab those eggs. So in this procedure, A few days to weeks before you get to the surgical unit, your eggs are being stimulated using medication to get as many eggs as you can.
And then once these eggs grow to a size in which they're ready to ovulate. A surgical team will go in and remove the eggs from your body and then place them in a Petri dish where they're combined with the sperm to hopefully fertilize, and then an embryo is placed back into your uterus using a catheter.
And that's pretty much the I V F procedure. So I just kind of quickly gave you the high level overview of I C I I U I and I. Which are terms you're going to hear quite often in the Single, Mother by Choice space. In a nutshell, when you get to [00:09:00] the stage where you are trying to choose your own adventure, right, because this is what this is, you're choosing the level of intervention you're choosing based on a number of different factors.
You're gonna be working alongside your medical team or some informed partner that's going to partner with you on your journey to get. So the more details you have, the better off you're going to be. So things that can impact the adventure that you choose, whether it's I C I I U I or I V F will be based on a number of different factors.
One, it'll be based on your risk tolerance, right? So are you a person who's okay with having medications enter into your. Right. It could be based on your own health history and your family's health history. Like, do you have a history of diabetes, hypertension? Do you have a history of cancer in your family?
Thyroid issues. So all of those general systemic conditions can come into play with the choice that you [00:10:00] make on how you're actually going to get. Your own preexisting conditions that might impact fertility. So some of you might know off the bat that you don't ovulate or that you have polycystic ovarian syndrome.
So P C O S that you have fibroids that you might have clotting factors, you might have some other genetic conditions that can make you have to go with a specific method of getting pregnant iui I c I or I. Age could be a factor. If you're on the younger end of the spectrum, 25, 26, 27, your chances are that your eggs are fairly healthy and strong and robust and you probably shouldn't have too much of a, a hard time getting pregnant.
But as you get older, your eggs become more fragile. Your eggs, might have been exposed to a lot more of environmental factors that can impact the quality of the egg. So age is a factor. On [00:11:00] both the sperm and the egg side. Sperm source is also a factor. So where are you getting the sperm from? Are you getting fresh sperm from a person who is the donor or are you getting frozen sperm from a commercial sperm? Finances can also impact the price range is a magnitude of difference between ici, IUI and ivf.
So ICI is the cost of a Diva Cup, right? Or a catheter, which let's say ballpark 50 bucks. and then I u I can range anywhere from like, 800 to, let's say $2,000. In terms of just magnitude of range, i v f can range anywhere from like, I would say maybe 10 to 25 grand. So different orders of magnitude of difference in price.
And so depending on your financial situation, that could also impact your choice of path, geographic location. So, The Single Mother by Choice is global. People come from [00:12:00] different parts of the globe, and depending on where you are some procedures for single people might not be legal. Or depending on where you are, there are some constraints to the different sperm or the different eggs that you can choose for how human tissue is handled.
Even within the United States, the state of New York has different F D A regulations than Virginia, Maryland. So those are kind of ballpark factors that can impact how you choose the adventure to what adventure you choose I said a lot. It might seem overwhelming at first, but just think of it right now as just collecting information and data points.
You're gonna be partnering with your medical team, you're gonna be partnering with your support communities. You can partner with me to, to help you navigate this all. But right now, Information is key. And having a realistic set of expectations can lead to fewer surprises and disappointments. As [00:13:00] you proceed on with your journey seeking treatment at a fertility clinic.
It's described as part art and part science because while the doctor has all of this information and has run all of these tests and done all of the diagnostics, They can, the best that they can do is try to predict how your body is going to respond, but there are really no guarantees. So pretty much with that first try.
You are laying out the money to, to have a well-informed right experiment performed to see if you can get pregnant or to see how the approach or the different protocols have to be adjusted to, to work best for your body's environment. And Some people do get lucky and get pregnant on their first.
I C I I U I try. But more times than not, your first attempt might not work, but it is an information gathering opportunity for the [00:14:00] doctors to see how your body responded to the medication and what they might do differently the next time around. So I wanna shift gears for a moment to talk about the different sources of genetic material. We know for a fact that all humans are created from genetic material that comes from an egg and comes from a sperm. What varies is the source of that egg and that sperm. When I started out, I had no idea that donor eggs were a thing.
I had no idea that donor embryos were a thing. I did know that sperm donation was a thing because. Were in the TV shows that I grew up watching, and I knew that you can buy sperm from a sperm bank, but for the life of me, I must have been using the wrong search terms because when I actually sat down to do some research, I could not find sperm banks.
Okay, so now I know that sometimes they're referred to as cryobank, so maybe that shows up for you if sperm bank searching does [00:15:00] not work for you. So you can buy sperm from a commercial sperm bank, or you can get sperm directly from a person. And while I did briefly consider getting sperm from a person I knew, I eventually decided that the best thing for me was to go with a commercial sperm bank.
And I also have never had a desire to handle bodily fluids. I don't even wanna do it for my kids. But you know, here I said again, staying in my lane, I used sperm from a commercial sperm. And I had it shipped to my fertility clinic for all of my procedures. So that's how I'm going to talk as I move forward.
So eggs, who knew that you could either use your own eggs or you could get donor eggs and donor eggs, similar to donor sperm come from a person who's willing to donate to strangers, so donor embryos are just embryos that you. As a result of somebody else ending their I V F journey. So somebody might end their I V F journey, have two or three embryos remaining, they opt to donate those [00:16:00] embryos to someone else who's trying, and then you could either take those embryos as donated, and it's, truly a priceless. I have found that donor egg and donor embryos are options for getting around issues with one's own eggs. So it could be age related issues. It could be that you had a cancer diagnosis and you had chemotherapy. Any issue that comes up with your eggs donor eggs could be an option for you.
So side note, people with uter. With a uterus are born with all the eggs that they're ever going to get. And as you age, your eggs age, and then your eggs are also exposed to everything that you're exposed to, whether you know, or unknown. Chemicals, environmental factors. So if you are a person of a certain age, your eggs may be old but your uterus is.
And so donor egg or donor embryo could absolutely be an option for you. I know a number of people who have had success using donor egg and donor [00:17:00] embryos. I myself use donor egg and you can't tell me nothing. It was the best, most economical and efficient decision that I ever made when I encountered secondary infertility and I didn't really know what was going on.
But best decision ever. So before I let y'all, I do wanna bust some myths that are out there about single mothers by choice and state some facts. So I'll start with the facts. So fact number one is that Single. Mothers by Choice are people who realize that they have a choice on whether or not to pursue motherhood hard stop.
They use the resources that are available to them to exercise this. It has nothing to do with anybody else but a person's desire to parent. Facts. SMCs are people who have decoupled one's relationship status from their parenting status, and this is why you will hear me sometimes use the [00:18:00] term solo parent and sometimes Single Mother by Choice and sometimes choice mom from time to time.
But it is a decoupling. The timing didn't work out, whatever didn't work out, I decided to intentionally carve out space and time for me to pursue parenthood on my own. Some. SMCs hate men. SMCs, Single, Mother by Choice. Do not hate. Many of us were raised by wonderful men. Many of us have awesome male influences in the lives of our children.
We understand. We see, we know the value that a male influence can have on all of our children. And so we do not hate men. We love men. And this decision to become a Single Mother by Choice is by no means an attempt to undervalue or devalue men. It is all about our desire to become parents. Myth number two, SMCs are the [00:19:00] unchosen group of, of women or of.
I will tell you, many of us were in dating relationships or were married, and we intentionally set aside that relationship so that we can pursue parenthood on our own. So let me say that again. Many of us were chosen to either marry or be in relationships with other human beings, and we arrived at a time that was appropriate for.
To have children and we made the affirmative decision to either exit or set aside or pause a relationship so that we can pursue having children on our own. Many of us will go back to dating eventually some will go on to marry. I know SMCs who date, I know Single Mother by Choice who are married and there is no shortage of dating partners.
Myth number. People who use donor sperm will [00:20:00] eventually come after the donor for child support using a commercial sperm bank. Both sperm donor and sperm recipient are required to sign a legally binding contract, which absolves parental rights and thus the rights of the recipient to claim child support.
This is a huge motivating factor for many of us who choose to become Single Mother by Choice. We choose a donor. From a sperm bank specifically to not have parental or custodial ties to anybody else but ourself. We want to raise our children free and clear as the sole parent. That is why we go with the commercial sperm bank to begin with.
There you have it. Straight talk, no chaser. Let me know what you thought about this episode. Shoot me an email at Aisha. Start to finish motherhood.com or hit me up on my socials. Always looking forward to chatting with you.[00:21:00]
