[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to Start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice, just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on.
[00:00:16] Speaker B: Your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins, and I'm partnering with.
[00:00:22] Speaker A: You every step of your journey.
[00:00:26] Speaker B: So hi, everybody. Well, I can't believe that we are, at this point, the final episode of season three. And this season has just been a roller coaster ride of good things that have been going on. Closing of one chapter, opening up another chapter, doing brave things, because we're all able to do scary things and brave things. And I'm just super excited about this next chapter. And so this next chapter will open with a hard reset. And the hard reset for me was sitting down and planning an epic trip as a capstone to my sabbatical that involves myself and my two children and just going to explore a country that I didn't even know that I needed or wanted to explore. And so let's jump into this episode. I am here today with a solo episode, and this has been a real trip for me. It's been a wonderful journey, and I am flying by the seat of my pants. And it's funny, once I dated a guy, we were talking about being how to live an extraordinary life. And one of the things that we agreed on was that in order to live an extraordinary life, you had to surround yourself with people who thought the extraordinary was possible. I am one of those people who, yes, I follow the rules, but I also believe that there are times when the rules don't always apply and you have to throw caution to the wind in order to live an extraordinary life, a memorable life, and some experiences you have to have so that you can guide other people into living an extraordinary life. So you have to know people who believe in limitless possibilities. And so being a single mother by choice was one of those leaps. Actually, since the time I was 13, I've been taking a lot of these leaps where, yes, there is a prescribed path that one should take, and then there is the path of least regret, the path of an extraordinary life. And that means sometimes just kind of throwing caution to the wind and trusting yourself and your path in life. And so here I am today with everything that has gone on this year. It's funny because I still knew that this was going to be the year for us to do a major international trip together with my girls last year when I started Start to Finish Motherhood actually let me take A step back. So let's get into the episodes. Back in 2022, when my podcast MOCA, Single Mothers by Choice, now called Black Single Mothers by Choice, when that podcast partnership ended, I found community with Black Women. I ended up in a community for black women who were considering living life outside of the US The Exodus community.
Stephanie Perry on that journey, I met people who wanted to live an extraordinary life, who wanted to do something different and was not afraid to take the leap. And then you had people who have already taken the leap and were guiding other folks through what this could potentially look like. And so I was so grateful that I found that community. Now my journey is not exactly the same as theirs because I wasn't looking at exiting the US at the time. I was looking for taking an epic vacation and spending time abroad with my children. I still hold out hope that I might get an opportunity to live and work abroad. But right now my kids are still young, and I'm not sure if that ship has sailed. But I will say that I have been fortunate to have had work experiences that took me abroad, which gave me lots of different perspectives on global interconnectivity of people and humanity. And so that has always been something that I felt that travel does for people. I think that there's a particular way to travel in order to get all of that goodness and those things that at least matter to me. I wanted my children to have those experiences. I wanted them to be global citizens, and I wanted to be the person to teach them how to travel and how to travel respectfully and how to just enjoy the goodness of people as you're traveling. And so last year I was in community with women who do big things, and I had to write all of this down. So I knew that this year I wanted to take a sabbatical. So 2023, I talked to my then company. I said, you know, I want to take a sabbatical. Six weeks working in another country. Is this possible? And they agreed. So at the time I was working, and so that was my plan. Now I knew that 2024 was going to be a big year for me and my family because I had a house that I was putting on the market. I knew that my youngest would be aging out of daycare, so that would look differently. I didn't have to have her in daycare for the summer in order to hold her spot. So would be optional. I wasn't 1% sure if we would be able to do it once my daughter had an ip, because I think that there's something you have to do with summer. But this year, she got a glowing report, so we don't have to do that. I knew that there was a lot of good things to look forward to, and I still feel that way in 2024. I feel that the things that have happened with me shifting jobs and selling the house and just kind of going through some experiences. But I think the journey of my life, I had to go through these things in order to be the parent who guides my children into making certain choices as they become adults. This year turned out a bit different, but I still feel that it is the path that I'm meant to be on. I've always managed to make good on strange situations that I found myself in and come out even better and stronger on the other side. So in 2024, I had my 48th birthday. It came in 2024, came in like a lion. And my birthday is in the earlier part of the year. I had done a lot of things already to choose myself. This was the last stand, I guess, in choosing myself and choosing to put my mental health first. I took the leap. Before I took the leap, I needed to secure some things for my family first. But with everything that was going on, I knew that I still wanted to take an epic trip in a sabbatical. And this time, there was no real bounds on my time, except that it needed to happen between the end of the school year and the start of the new school year, because with my youngest going into kindergarten, there's a lot that happens in the week, week and a half before school. So that kind of really helped me to narrow down my time frame. And so going through what I went through in the first quarter of the year, I realized that a lot of the safety nets that we have in this country do not work for people who are black and people who are black and women. And our mental health system is a joke. And so, I mean, I could have died on my feet and no one would have noticed and that I was asking for help. And then when I did ask for help, the answer was no. I have a commitment to be in the right state of mind for my children and for myself. And so I took the leap. When I started out as a single mother by choice, I told somebody that my decisions are really easy for me because there are five priorities that are important, and they are roughly my top priorities are me, my children, my estate, my chosen family. Those priorities still held during this period that I went through. You know, my mental health was in jeopardy, so I took control of that I needed to make sure that my girls were okay. So I made sure that my family was straight. My estate planning. I'm currently in the midst of that, living life with least regrets and surrounding myself with my chosen family, people who love and support me. And those things still, they're innate to who I am, and so they just still held true. And so one of the things I wanted to do with my estate plan was this year was to sit down with the financial planner. That is a commitment that I held onto through everything. So scheduled time with my financial planner. But when I sat down, you know, I laid out all the financial facts. But one of the things that was a non negotiable was that we were taking this epic trip. And however we needed to figure out how to fund it, we would fund it. And so with that decision made, I told her that I would feel extremely sad if with everything that happened, that we would not be able to take this trip. It would have been a regret and a deep regret for me because I don't think that I will have this time again with my girls, with them feeling the right age, with me feeling that it's the right time for me to do this and with no constraints really on my time, and I'm going to do this. So I do have choices, and it's always been important to me to find the choices in any situation, no matter how dire, because we do have choices in how we handle things. I made the decision to take this trip. So let's talk about this trip. And I am so excited.
Initially, last year when I started planning to take a sabbatical, I thought, we're going to Portugal. It was set. We were going to Portugal. I was probably going to meet up with my donor sibling mom, and we were going to go to Portugal. And somewhere along the line, that changed. And I think when finances became a real issue, I needed to buckle down and decided if this was going to be the only trip that I do before my kids get into high school, how do I want to do this? And so I sat down and thought about the people in my life, and I realized that I owe somebody a trip. I owe myself a vacation. So I thought I'd be going to Portugal. And then I started having conversations with my kids and my oldest daughter about my trip to Bali. And so I was just like, okay, if I go on vacation, I'm going to take my kids to Bali. And so that put me squarely in Southeast Asia. Asia. And then when I started looking at flights, I was like, oh, okay. To get to Bali, there's a layover in Qatar. And so I was just like, okay, I have a friend in Qatar. Let me see if I can make a trip within a trip and go see him since he's come to the States twice to see me when each of my kids were born. And so I was just like, yeah, I owe this person, you know, this time. So I started talking to him and he was just like, well, if you're going to do, if you're going to do Bali, why don't you do Sri Lanka? And I was just like, okay, yeah, that's up in the air too. And so, you know, I'd been to Bali twice and I like going to places that I had never been before. And so I started asking, what is there to do? So finally we got on a call and we sat down, we started going through the details of the trip.
I met this guy when I was teaching classes abroad. When we first met, he was my handler because I was teaching for a distributor and he was my point of contact and I was his responsibility.
And so when I first saw him, he looked like this Magnum PI Slick back, jet black hair, sunglasses and everything, and just really tan. And he just looked really cosmopolitan. He turned around and we introduced ourselves and you know, when you first get to meet people, you're pretty deaf and professional. In this particular class, the class started really early and it ended really early. And so by like 2:30 in the afternoon, I didn't have anything to do. So he was just like, let me show you around. So he took me around to the different sites and you know, through the casual showing around, we got to know each other. And so that was the one year. I ended up coming back another year to teach a class and he was my handler again. And so we just kind of really hung out and we connected as friends. And so this would have been about 2006. And so I was young, I was single, this was before I had kids. And you know, I had just bought my first house. So I was just living the life and I was just traveling for work and teaching and really enjoying myself. And this is when I was just like, yeah, I think I like traveling. I think I like doing things and going to places where people don't typically go. And so we have been friends since 2006 and we really got to know each other. You know what's app? Social media has all been a great thing and a great opportunity. We've had some really in depth conversations. He's come to visit Me and my family in the state a couple of times. And so we just had some really good conversations. We've weathered job changes, we've weathered me going through my single mother by choice journey, We've weathered the pandemic. We just, you know, talked about religion, we just talked about a lot of stuff, different relationship statuses. The kids had always been too young for me to feel comfortable traveling with them. So it's always one thing or the other. Either the kids, finances, the world was in a pandemic, or I was trying for another baby. So I just, it just wasn't the right time. And so now it just feels like it's the right time. The kids feel like they're the right age. They are communicative, they know how to listen, they know how to entertain themselves, they're curious, they ask questions. And so they can pull their own luggage, they can go to the bathroom by themselves. So it just feels like a really good time to travel with them. And they seem so excited and enthusiastic about things. And so I feel like it'll be a good time to teach them how to travel.
So we are going to do it. And so this is going to be like a 20, 24 hour trip. Yeah. So we're loosely planning this trip I started planning at the beginning of the week. So at first he was like, yes, so you're first going to come into the city and enjoy the nightlife and enjoy the city life. Do you like to drink, you like to eat, go to these different restaurants, blah, blah, blah. And then we'll go into the middle part of the country where we'll do some hiking and you can go to the tea plantations and then we'll go to the beach and we'll do all this stuff. And so I was like, you're cute, but what are the kids going to do? We need kid friendly stuff, like are there any parks, zoos, you know, botanical gardens, aquariums? And so he's like, oh. And.
And so yes, we are traveling with the kids. So it's going to be a different vacation, a different type of vacation than I would have taken as a single woman. And so we had to backtrack all the way back to the beginning.
He was like, okay, so I need to consider some parks and some stuff. I was like, yes, I'm traveling with a five year old and a nine year old. So we started talking. I was like, so when you say fancy restaurants and all that stuff about food, remember I have a five year old who will look at food and say, that's okay, I'll have oatmeal. Because she's like, I'm not eating that. And then I have a 9 year old who will lick a green pepper and say, it's too hot. Can I have milk? And so Southeast Asia, depending on the style of food, it could be hot, it could be spicy. So I'm just like, so these kids. In order for my kids to stay alive during this trip, I need to have some staple options. So will we have oatmeal at the breakfast table? Because at least let them have one solid breakfast. Will it be someplace where I can get them sandwiches? Desserts are desserts. But I'm just like, what are the eating options? We need to really have a conversation about food. And so then he was telling me about there was this president or this king who built his temple or his castle on top of this mountain, and we could trek up to the top of the mountain. He was like, oh, so I guess that probably won't be good for Camille. I was like, she's five, and at the end of the day, she can walk with the best of us, but if she needs a nap and she gets tired, who's carrying her? And so he's just like, oh. So I guess I was like, how long does the trek? He was like, cece can't do it. Okay, so then we won't be doing the trek. So then, you know, so we're talking about different things. He was like, we could go to these waterfalls. I was like, well, Cece is not a swimmer, so it has to be shallow water. He was like, okay, so really, the entire trip that he had in mind for, like, I'm going to show you the greatest of the best. And I was just like, but where are the parks? Because my kids are beach bums. They want to see some parks, you know, and we. I don't tolerate heat very well, so he's like, it's going to be hot. So. Okay. So all of these things in mind, I think that we have a rough itinerary that's going to work for all of us. The scenery, taking a scenic train ride, going to the tea plantations. Like, I drink tea. My girls, you know, they take in beautiful things of the world. As long as the hotel has a pool, they'll get some beach, they'll get some sun, they'll get some fun. We will see things. And hopefully when my friend. So the way we're going to break the trip up is because he already had prior plans. And so I'm going to do the first two weeks by myself with the kids. He'll help us arrange everything and arrange a driver and the driver will take us around and we will have a relaxing vacation. We broke it up into three parts. We'll do the city, we'll do the inner part which did the tea plantations and it's cooler. And then we'll do the beach and then we'll go ahead and leave from there. So we'll loop back to the city and that'll be our three weeks. The first two weeks will be me with the kids and then he's going to join us on the last week where we'll do a beach vacation and hopefully his family can join us. And so the kids will have other kids to play with. And so that's the way we are breaking down the trip. So I'm excited to go to this country I've never been to. I'm excited to travel with my children for us to experience a lot of firsts together, for them to ask me all the questions and for them to see the good and the humanity of other people of the world, hear different languages, experience a long air flight.
Preparing for a trip is just as much fun as actually doing the trip. I hope that we build in enough rest so we're not tired, we're not exhausted, our days are not jam packed, that we're just generally getting out and just enjoying the trip. And then, you know, as I am looking for new jobs, I'm telling everybody I can't start until August because I really want to protect this time with my kids. I might not get it again and I want to enjoy the memories and take lots of pictures and experience it with my girls and go on this trip with a friend who's excited to show me the places he loves and for my children to spend time with and a trusted male. And so there you have it. I get to mark another country off my checklist and get another stamp and my passport. So this would be part two of the preparing for an epic trip.
I started last year when I was talking to black expat mom and at the time I was thinking Portugal. Now in part two, I've settled on Sri Lanka and now I am planning with a friend. So hopefully stay tuned.
[00:21:58] Speaker A: Thanks for listening. To Start to Finish Motherhood with Aisha. If you want to keep the conversation going, follow Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram, email
[email protected] if you love this episode, please share it with with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. Anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. Bye now.
