Episode Transcript
[00:00:04] Speaker A: Welcome to Start to Finish Motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice. Just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: When you decide to have children on
[00:00:15] Speaker A: your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey.
Hey, before we dive in, if this show has added value to your life or provided insight to your parenting journey, you can support it by buying me a coffee. Visit starttofinishmotherhood.com Coffee now, let's get into this episode, y'. All.
The world is a lot.
Oh, well, given that we showed up because that's what we do. And as single mothers by choice, we don't always have an option to opt out. And so here we are. Okay, so this is the season finale of season five, and I thank you so much for staying with me even in the midst of everything that's going on in the world. You showed up and you showed up in numbers. Numbers. And I want to thank you for that. I tried something different with season five, and this being the first of four seasons of mashup episodes where I take a look back at my earlier days of parenting two children as a single mother by choice. And it goes back to my previous podcast series, Black Single Mothers by Choice. And in this period of life that I'm in, I just turned 50. Yay. Happy birthday. I am in a legacy building stage where I'm looking back and I'm correcting things that need to be corrected and I am just marching forward. And so we'll get into that a little bit more. But season five was to kick off the mashup episodes because I wanted to take a look back at my early parenting journey with the fresh eyes of a 50 year old. When I started my single mother by choice journey, I was a very young 36, 37 year old, bright eyed. And so I wanted to see how the fertility industry has changed, how I have changed, how my children have changed, how life has changed in that time. Yeah, we went back so that we can go forward and make those leaps for what we want our lives to be if it's not where you want it to be right now.
And so let's jump into all that we covered in season five.
So we took a look at the fertility stats, we got updates on the sperm banking industry. We talked about IUI versus ivf, which when I started my journey, I did not know that IUI was a thing. And I was so surprisingly happy to find out that it was a thing because that is what led me to my first child. Then for my second, I did ivf. So we discussed the differences between the two options. We also went through what it's like to adopt as a black single mother by choice. And then donor conception. We talked about known donors, traveling with young kids, finances, estate planning, dating as an smc, which I am not trying to date right now in this season of my life or in this season of the world, because it's a mess.
And then expectations versus reality. Now I can honestly say expectations versus reality for each stage of the SNC journey, from trying to conceive, through the pregnancy, through labor and delivery, through parenting young children, through life lifing. And so expectations versus reality of where I would be right now at 50. And so yeah, we talked a lot. These were not just reruns of old episodes, these were old episodes with a about 15 minutes of reflection added on from this 50 year old vantage point. So yeah, we, we evolve, right? Our stories take shape, our stories morph into something else. And I wanted to honor that and I really wanted to, to reflect because that's the, the stage that I'm in. So life just kept happening and I wanted to go back and update the record. So let's get into what we actually covered this season. So we discussed the fertility stats and costs. So in general, the numbers moved, but the costs moved more. Right. So what were the costs? So the cost between buying sperm in 2012, 2013, it has doubled in 2026. Right. And so when I think about the cost of sperm now and then, life was just cheaper, less expensive then. But still this entire journey is very expensive.
There has been an increase in the actual procedures themselves.
Let's see, daycare, childcare, increase exponentially after the pandemic. Right. So we were dealing with less children in facilities having to cover costs and mitigation strategies for staff.
So that had an impact updates on the sperm bank. So back in 2013, if I just focus on the sperm bank that I used, there were six Black donors and only two were OpenID.
In 2025 there were 12 Black donors and all 12 were Open ID.
So what this signals is a change in the industry and I think the industry is going to continue to evolve. So where it was not always the norm and you paid a premium to get an open ID sperm donor vial, now it is becoming more the norm. And so what it signals is that the fertility industry has caught up with what psychologists say are the best, the best strategies for raising Healthy children. Right. That they should know more about their medical history. And having the option to meet Your donor at 18, I think is a balancing act between the anonymity of the sperm donor and. And then what's in the best interest of the children. And so we'll start to see that, I believe, more and more as the industry evolves.
So the industry shifted so that change is meaningful and impactful to us as SMCs.
I gave an update on estate planning. So my estate planning arc was went from using one of the Internet legal firms to create and draft a. A will before I went in to deliver my first child. And I had chosen guardians at that time that were family members. A heteronormative married couple with children.
And so I have evolved through meeting with three financial planners before landing on one that aligns really well with where I am at this stage of my life. And I will tell you, it's the best money that I've ever spent. He is in my corner and supporting my decision. So we have actual real conversations. I feel comfortable.
He knows that I'm a single mother by choice. He knows what it is that I'm trying to do in terms of the financial moves. And then in this case, I really called on support when I needed it the most. Right. Because we'll sit back and we'll be like, I want to see a financial planner, but I want to get my finances in order first, which is the reverse. Right. You want to see a financial planner when you need help the most because that's when you'll get the best bang for your buck. And that's what I ended up doing. And also during this period, I was doing a career pivot. So I needed someone who was really strategic and really aggressive and how we handled and worked through what my finances needed to look like as a consultant, as opposed to what it needed to look like as a full time employee. Now I traded more freedom for more intermittent payouts. And so I really needed someone who understood that and who could support me through that pivot. And now I'm almost on the other side of that pivot. And so, yes, that is where I landed with the financial planner. So now I have financial planner that I'm working with. It's a paid financial planner who is my person to. To have in my corner, which I definitely needed.
Okay, all right. Now I call this period. So I went through a pivot at the end of season four. I discussed a little bit about the career pivot that I did.
And simultaneously, I think my, my one of my good friends was in the process of developing her podcast that's called Disrupt, Delete and Reset. I love it. It's just been released and I think it captures what a lot of us are going through at this time. I know that I disrupted my entire career in favor of my mental health, right. It was in a toxic work environment. I needed to get out of that toxic work environment because it was not allowing me to show up for or my family the way that I want it to show up. It was suffocating me. It was trying to. To just like, snuff out any joy that I had. So I knew that I needed to get out. And so it was not the hardest decision in the moment. I knew that it was coming, but I didn't know what form it was going to take. But when it arrived, I was ready to just say, yeah, no. So what I also did during that period was disrupted. And then I got rid of things that did not work for me. Whether it was people, whether it was business and professional contact, I just deleted all of that. And then I did a hard reset. So for me, in order for me to reset, I needed to go back to zero. And so I put myself in a space where I had to start from scratch and I had to recalibrate myself and I took my kids with me. And so this is where we landed in Sri Lanka. So the story about Sri Lanka was that I knew that during this period of life, I wanted to go back to a place that I had envisioned as the most peaceful place on Earth. And for me, that was Bali. And when I talked to a friend, my friend said, well, if you love Bali, you'll really love Sri Lanka. And so again, I did a pivot. We ended up not going to Bali, but we went to Sri Lanka for 24 days and we got to just. I got to reconnect with my kids with the least amount of distraction. I pulled us out of our element. I got to reengage with the earth, with myself, with my kids, and start to think about what life looks like on the other side. So I went through that whole process and I am at the tail end where the ship is being righted in the proper direction. Right. I'm 50, so now I'm thinking legacy.
So, yeah, so I learned that you have to really trust yourself as a single mother by choice. And if nobody else is going to give you feedback because nobody else has been there, you have to be able to trust yourself to make these life altering moves. And so I did that. But I Also had support around me. Ultimately, I made the decision, but I worked with trusted people, whether it was people I paid or people that I really deeply trusted to help me through that phase. And I'm so grateful that I had a bench in that fashion. So trust yourself. Okay? We talked about black babies, black bodies, black moms, right?
So that was a medical advocacy episode. And I shared that I lost a dear friend of mine back in October, and she should still be with us, y'. All.
The extent to which the medical system broke down and failed her is ridiculous. And you look at this, and it's just, if one person cared enough to follow through, she would still be here, right? They didn't listen to her pain. They didn't listen to her, didn't listen to her parents, didn't even listen to the. The path, the medical path that they prescribed as the right path for her. Nobody. The baton was not handed. They dropped the ball, and she should be here. This happens a lot in. In the black community, where nobody cares enough to follow through. And it doesn't matter if your doctor is black, if your doctor is whatever color, because it's built into the institutions. It's built into the structures. It's built into the criteria that's used to your medical decisions. And in this case, they didn't even listen to that.
So it's so problematic and so extreme. What I say is that as a single mother by choice, you are the first line for your kid, whether it's for your health or for their health. You are that line.
So advocate, loudly, be that loud, aggressive black woman to get the care that you need, and you need to stop them. You need to disrupt their bias, and you need to ask them. So I said, I have pain, and you told me to do xyz. Are you sure?
Can you document that?
So when I said xyz, you said this. I want to make sure that I'm hearing you correctly, and that stops them, and it disrupts their bias. It makes them see you. And if you have to get aggressive, speak to the higher ups. Do what you need to do, right? Ask questions, assess how your medical team responds. If they blow you off, that's an orange flag.
If they try to dissuade you from treatment that you think that you should have, that's a red flag. These together are flags that prompt that should prompt you to line up additional additional backup care, to get second opinions. Do whatever you need so that you are assured that you're getting the best in medical treatment and that you're trusting Your gut. Sometimes we get white coat syndrome. Don't even for you or for your kid. And then once you decide that you've seen the red flags, move expeditiously to a new provider, someone who will listen to you, someone who will hear you. During my period of disruption, I talked about I had to change medical providers. They were harmful in their treatment of me. And that just caused a negative spiral in terms of the health care I experienced during that period of disruption.
Really harmful.
Okay, so this season we also covered I'm 50, I am no longer trying to climb somebody else's ladder, jump through their hoops. Right. I'm thinking of my own legacy. I'm thinking of the legacy that I'm leaving for my children. I'm thinking about who my children see me as in terms of a woman that they can emulate and model.
And there's a lot of conversations. They're getting bigger. Right. I started this whole podcasting experience with black single mothers by choice. And I, at the time I had an 18 month old and then I had probably a 6 year old in 2020.
And so they have grown in leaps and bounds. So that means that the conversations have matured. They have opinions, they have wants, they have needs, they have personalities.
And it rubs me some days, but I am so grateful to have children who are critical thinkers. And so it's amazing. This year I will have a graduate. My oldest will be graduating, so we are currently in the lead up to that.
When I think about my arc over the past two, three years, I mean, I moved some earth. I moved heaven and earth to get to where I am happier.
I am getting my health in order and the girls are just. They are who they were meant to be. They are their own little individual selves. And with this, this joy, I take into summer where I'll be. I will be spending half the summer resting and relaxing as I get us settled and we'll do some traveling and just all the things because we deserve nice things, we deserve good things. And let's see.
I have zero regrets. I've tried to live my life with as few regrets as possible.
That doesn't mean I don't have any, but as few regrets as possible. Leaving a toxic workplace, not a regret. Leaving a toxic marriage, not a regret. Deciding to have children on my own, I'm so blessed to have had that decision and I'm glad that I took this path and. And many more. Right. Still making decisions as we go. Life keeps life and we keep evolving and I'm here for it.
So I want to pass the mic over to you because none of this would be possible without you. My numbers in terms of the podcast statistics have tripled and I have you to thank for that. I thank my old listeners, I thank my new listeners, I thank you for sharing the podcast out to family and friends. Without you, none of this would be possible.
You have no idea what it is to go into a supportive community like Melanated Single Mothers by Choice. And I find warmth, I find friends, I find new members that we can nurture up together and follow their stories as a look back to where we've been. We get to share information, we get to share celebrations, new jobs, new babies, new people starting on their journey, new homes and life just evolves. And it's so nice to not have to do that alone, but to do it in community with people you can meet up on, you can meet up with on weekends, you can take vacations with. I feel so grateful to have melanated Single Mothers by Choice. I feel grateful to have this podcast where I can reach those of you across the globe and to have you feel validated in your choices and your decisions. I'm a lucky girl and I don't want to get all mushy, but I do want to thank you. So to you, I want to ask you, what burning questions do you have from any of the past seasons? Whether you've listened to Black Single Mothers by Choice or Start to Finish Motherhood, are there any questions that you have that have currently not been asked answered?
Is there something that you want me to go deeper on? Was there a particular episode that just had you in your feelings or in your thoughts that had you parked in your driveway? Thinking through what you heard and really processing that information?
And then are there any topics you want me to cover or any situations that you're at you're navigating right now, whereas you need an honest perspective from further up the road. So if you have any of these questions or situations that are burning, if you reach out to me. So if you have any of these questions or situations, please feel free to reach out to me at Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram or if you're in the Melanated Single Mothers by Choice community, you can send me a DM there. I do respond on a regular basis. I'm here to help and to and to support you and I wish to be the support that I had when I was getting started on my journey. I know that the world has changed now that we have Facebook and social media, but yes, please do reach out to me. I read your emails and I guess on that note, I've always wanted to be honest and transparent. In both of my podcast series.
I wanted to bring on my friends, I wanted to bring on people who have nurtured me and to share our stories and our journeys together.
And I hope that you've gotten that feeling throughout the five seasons of Start to Finish Motherhood. Like I said, this mashup season was the first of four mashup seasons and so the next season should be released around winter in 2026. So stay tuned for that.
I think that might be it.
Wow.
Oh, the world is so different, but I'm still the same. Transparent, open and honest. And on that note, as we sign off for the season, I wish you a warm, happy and relaxing summer and I'll see you in the winter time.
I hope you have a warm and joyful relaxing summer and I will see you again in the fall time frame. And so, until next time.
Bye now.
[00:23:19] Speaker B: Thanks for listening to Start to Finish Motherhood with Aisha. If you want to keep the conversation going, follow Start to Finish Motherhood on Instagram, email me at aishastarttofinishmotherhood.com if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice. Anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to
[00:23:43] Speaker A: support someone else's single mother by Choice journey.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: Until next time.
[00:23:47] Speaker A: Bye now.
