[00:00:09] Speaker A: Welcome to start to finish motherhood, a podcast for those thinking or already single mothers by choice. Just looking for practical advice for navigating life's relationships. When you decide to have children on your own, it doesn't mean that you're completely alone. I'm Aisha Jenkins and I'm partnering with you every step of your journey.
Hi, everybody. I'm here today with Regine. We have been in community for a few years now, and I was so excited to see that you started up your own thing to support other single mothers by choice as well. I love the fact that we are all doing this, each one teach one, and kind of helping to bring our communities along. Regine is also an SMC. The focus of this episode is going to be the stages of the essence journey. I break my stages down into big rocks, so five big rocks and then possibly adulting, and then Regine breaks the journey into a few more granular rocks. And so that's going to be the focus of this episode. But before we get into it, I'm going to ask Regine to introduce herself. Tell us what you do, and tell us a little bit about your single mother by choice journey.
Sure.
[00:01:25] Speaker B: Thank you. First, thank you for having me. I just love that we're doing this and having this conversation. I have become super passionate about supporting women like us or women in our community who are going on this journey. Earlier this year, in 2024, I founded SMBC Resources Solomon by Choice Resources. So what I do, curate all the essential resources that I think would help women be successful on their journey. For me, the journey took seven years. Seven years of research, trying to get the funds together, trying to make the right decision. There are multiple stages to this journey, as you just mentioned. But it took seven years for me to have all the right support tools in place in order to go down the path of starting my family. So what I'm doing now is curating all of those resources, putting them in one central place, hoping to prevent women from having to spend evenings googling and researching and joining multiple community groups just to get the answers to one simple question. If I could be the source or the central source or the directory where they can go find grants for an attorney or a financial advisor. Let me be that. To help women along their journeys, whether they're considering or whether they're already solo moms.
[00:02:51] Speaker A: Yes. And I appreciate you pulling together these resources because while there's a lot that we can anticipate in the beginning of the process, there's a ton that happens as life just continues to evolve for us. And I think I am one person who is at a critical juncture in my life where I didn't expect. And so we were just having a conversation, swapping ideas and recommendations about financial planners. And you're like, yeah, I got someone. I was like, yeah, me too. So it's just life evolves and changes and you need different tools in your toolbox.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: Okay, that's exactly true. Yeah.
[00:03:28] Speaker A: So let's jump into the episode. So I break the stages down into five stages. And so I'm curious to see what are the seven or eight stages you have. So let's have that conversation. Okay. Okay. So I think the general public may assume that someone who decides to be a single mother by choice or solo mom, will wake up one day and decide that this is my path. But I know for a lot of us in the community, it takes anywhere from a number of weeks to a number of years. I know I started, and I call this the thinking stage. And I started thinking around early thirties that if I don't get married, this could potentially be my past. And I needed to sit with that for a while and then started to do research. Now, on your phases, first, how many phases do you have? And then what is phase one?
[00:04:28] Speaker B: Yeah. So I broke it down into seven stages. So what you're calling the thinking stage is what I'm calling the contemplation and research stage. It's the point where the idea sparks in your head. So for me, twelve years old, I just knew I was going to be a solo mom, marriage, all of that, although I tried, it wasn't necessarily what I thought in my head as a child. I call it the contemplation and research. And this is really where you're doing exactly what you said, where you're starting to think about it, where the idea is somewhat implanted in your head or in your heart and you start exploring whether or not it could be a possibility.
[00:05:08] Speaker A: Yes. How long did it take for you when you were in that contemplation thinking stage?
[00:05:14] Speaker B: Yeah, the contemplation thinking stage for me, I want to say, was close to seven years, to be honest with you, because by the time I went the adoption route, by the time I filed, things started moving relatively quickly. Like the entire adoption process took me two years. And part of the second stage that I have on my journey we call like choosing the path, because part of my contemplation and research was also making a decision on which path I was going to take. Was I going to adopt or become a foster parent or was I going to go the assisted reproductive technology path? Right. IUI, IVF, surrogacy, all of that. I would say those two stages for us, for me, took five years.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: Okay. And so, yeah, so I group all of that into one. So thinking through which is my right path, but also dealing with the emotions of which path you choose.
[00:06:11] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:11] Speaker A: So no path is easy. It is just a ball of how do I do this and what feels right for me. So I went the art route, and so I probably spent between 32, 33 to 37 thinking. And then I started getting. So I think at somewhere in the middle, I decided that I wanted to carry a pregnancy. And so now I needed to make sure all of my body parts were in order. So then I found out that I had a fibroid. And so you go, you start going down that path. And so if you ever need any procedures, then that adds to the waiting period. So just trying to get everything in an optimal state. So for me, if I'm looking at your chart, I had already went through the contemplation I was choosing. The path was art for me. And so then now I'm on one path of your decision tree, which is now awesome, because now we're having a conversation where we can each speak to our different experiences. When did you, at what age did you finally. This is my path. And did you take that very first step toward adoption?
[00:07:26] Speaker B: So I think I was about the same age that you were. So around the age of.
Already 40.
I might have been 40 at that point in time.
That's not true. I was 39. I apologize. It was a year before my 40th. I decided as much as I wanted to, so it's so funny how life works, right? I went the adoption route, ended up adopting a toddler. Initially, when I made the decision, I wanted to adopt a slightly older child, and I thought that I was going to go through the foster care system. So at the age of 39, four years into my journey, I explored what foster care would look like. So if we're looking at the path and looking at the top branch here, where it's consultation with adoption agencies, I was speaking to people, right. And I think for somebody who went the art route, this is where you're exploring what the requirements are, what needs to happen, what do I need to do in order to make this a reality? So those paths are some, they're the same decision making process.
[00:08:28] Speaker A: I just broke them into a bigger chunks. But the thing is, I also started talking to people because it was important to me I needed to find people like me who have actually done this, right. So I started talking to people a bit more. So you start dropping hints, seeing who in your immediate circle has done this. And then I found, of course, not a lot of people in my immediate circle. So then I needed to find community, and I found community online.
[00:08:54] Speaker B: So I did not find community online. Instead of going to people, yes, I asked people whom I knew, hey, do you know anyone? And yes, there were a few people far in between who could explain, or some people had gone the adoption route. So instead, what I started doing is asking questions to the experts. I went straight to the experts, I went straight to the foster care system, social workers, I called adoption agencies. I really started asking, like the professionals, what are the requirements, what needs to happen, what do I need to do? Similarly, that I think you're gathering requirements like how do I prepare my body? Right. When you're talking about exploring whether or not you had fibroids, like the surgeries, everything that you needed to do in order to be able to carry, that's like the requirements. Gathering the requirements in order to go down the path that you're about to go down, which is such an important step, an emotional step. Hence why in the journey that we have, this is where I start recommending therapy.
Because there's a physical preparation, there's the emotional preparation, financial preparation, all of those things are really important. But you need to really be, I would even say, spiritually and emotionally prepared for what you're about to endure. Becoming a parent is a shift in your own universe. It's not just there's a child living with me here. It shifts everything, your perception, your understanding, your vision, making sure that you have the right support, emotional support to cope with what's about to take place in your life or what you wish is about to take place in your life is another step that we've outlined in the journey for adoption.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: And I did. And so I go from thinking to trying, and I have trying and slash waiting if you're going the adoption route, but within there, there is also the embedded in there. When you start working with the fertility clinic, they recommend, and some clinics require you to sit down with a therapist or a social worker if you're using third party gametes. So third party gametes might be egg, embryo, sperm. And that you understand and you're in tune with your own feelings around this option. And I'm sure it's the same thing if you're pursuing adoption. What's your motivation? Understanding what it is that you're getting into because we don't always make space for that kid because that is your baby and everything that comes with it. People's judgments or if you have family members, like, how are you going to handle those conversations? How are you going to handle the conversations about genetics. Right. And biology and DNA and so how do you handle those conversations? How do you, when you go to school and you encounter questions from school administration. Right. You want to be prepared for that and you don't want to be caught off guard because once you are parenting, you are parenting. And hopefully you have taken care of the stuff that you brought into parenting.
[00:12:05] Speaker B: Yeah. You hope that you have kids trigger, right. Just their existence. Just trigger all that stuff. So you do your best to prepare ahead of time. We didn't necessarily add that speaking to a therapist on the art route, just because we know that part of working with a clinic that's already included in it. So they're going to make that happen. Like you just mentioned you speaking to a therapist or a social worker. So that's already part of the package.
[00:12:29] Speaker A: Yes, that the recommendation. Right. But I think both you and I have encountered people that are like, why do I have to go to therapy? Why are you forcing me to see a therapist? And it's just I cringe when I hear those words in conjunction with what I see as questions posed in the different forums. And I'm just like, my goodness, that was a question to sit down and talk to a therapist.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: I think that approaching this path without, and we say therapist, right. And I'm assuming that there are people out there who are going to go to spiritual advisors or who are going to go to any other type of counseling. And I'm not pushing a special team more than another, but I do think that ensuring that you have support and somebody who can help you walk through this very emotional state, stage of life is what is what everyone needs. So whether you're going to Peru to do ayahuasca, I don't know what your path is, but make sure you dig in, right? Make sure you don't make this decision. No one should. Adoption agencies don't necessarily include that in their process.
The speaking to a therapist or getting mental health support, they don't necessarily include that. But we do think that it's a critical step whether if you're going to go down this path, it's an important one because it could be the make or break between you deciding to move forward or not, which is still okay. Right. Both are equally, both can coexist. Right. Women who choose not to pursue and women who choose to pursue. Let me maybe jump to the next step, which is, for us on our path, is the fifth step. So if you're going the adoption route, we call it preparing.
This is where you're going to be inundated with paperwork and home studies, background checks, verification of employment, verification of your Social Security number. You have to go and prove to the government of the United States of America that you are who you say you are, that you're capable, that you're financially able, and that you're ready to welcome a child home when you go through the adoption process. And that alone is very taxing. It's invasive.
You know, depending on the social worker who's coming to your house to ask you questions, they go deep. They were asking about my family of origin. How did it work? My parents divorced. Like, they really dug in to things that I would have considered private prior to having a child that I now understand are necessary. Questions have to prepare. Right. There's a little preparation that you have to do when you're going through the adoption route that comes after choosing the path and after kicking off the journey in the art route. We call it waiting. Right. Because this is right after you started your fertility treatment. So you may have gone through one round, you may have tried, and you're just waiting to see. You're waiting for confirmation of whether or not the pregnancy took, which is completely different than waiting and to see if the pregnancy is going to come to term. So there's another emotional rollercoaster at that steps. I think you could probably talk more about it than I could. But the coping and the waiting and the anxiety in those few days where you're just waiting to see if it took is an entire step in itself.
[00:16:02] Speaker A: You filled in an area in between mine, because I go from trying to pregnant. Right. But in between there. There's a lot that can happen between you trying and actually getting pregnant and then staying pregnant. It's a whole other ballgame. So my next stage is pregnancy and placement. Right. Because I think that's another milestone. So let's say you get pregnant after however many attempts. Now you're in this phase where it's no longer this idea. So now you're. You're on the path for adoption. Someone has chosen you. You're waiting on a placement. Right. So I could speak to the pregnancy, because it's not all like bells and whistles and rose colored glasses once you get pregnant, because then there are things that you don't realize are issues for you physically, your endocrine system, your immune system, all of these different systems come into play, and it's almost like a waterfall cascade sometimes if things don't go as planned. So my first pregnancy was a textbook pregnancy. My second pregnancy, everything that could have happened and could have gone wrong did. And we weren't going to be sure if there was going to be a live baby when we came home from the hospital. So there's a lot that happens, and I'm sure on the adoption side, there's a lot that happened.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: So I call that period waiting, right. Because once you fill out all the paperwork, blah, blah, blah, you're waiting one, you're waiting to be chosen, which is such an unnatural place to be in. Right. You're waiting for a woman to say, you can raise, love, care for my child. Right. And waiting to be chosen also means, like, it's an ego bust, like I knew on paper. I look, first of all, I'm a solo mom. I'm doing it by myself. So as much as I'm confident in my decision, it raises questions, right? Are they not choosing me because I'm going the solo mom route? Then there's just a I don't want to be the last kid pick in the schoolyard, right. So it erases all that previous trauma where they didn't pick you for dodgeball. It feels just about the same. I'm saying it jokingly, but there is some element of rejection that you have to process during that period. And for me, I was matched three times before I finally got to meet my son. Right. When that first pregnancy, there was a disruption. It was very traumatic to me the way that things happened. Six weeks before the birth, the mother didn't necessarily change her mind, but we figured out that she was using the system to get support during pregnancy and had no intentions of placing the child. Second time I was matched, she just went, Mia. And just. She changed her mind and never said anything about it. I went, I got ghosted, right. By a woman whose child I was hoping and expecting to raise the third time. I just knew in my heart I was just going along because I'd been chosen. So now I'm just waiting to be picked. And I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to be. I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere, but I still had to engage, I still had to connect with this woman. I still had to have the conversations. Right. And same thing. I don't know if she changed her mind or not, but it ended up somewhat like being ghosted or. I think eventually she told the agency that she wasn't moving forward, but it was still like a four month period of my life that I invested into a child that I never met, never saw, don't know what happened to that child till today.
So while I was waiting, I'd become so despondent, if you will, that by the time I got the call from my son, I wasn't necessarily. I didn't buy it, right? I was like, fine, let me just go talk to this woman and see what's going to happen. And let me go through the motion. But that waiting period is just. The anticipation builds. You prepare emotionally every single time to welcome a child home, and sometimes it just doesn't happen. And that period for me was a solid 1920 months of me just waiting, being matched, and it not working out, second guessing, wondering, will it ever happen for me? Which we know now that it did. And now I know that if this is something I tell women, if you file for adoption, you will become a mother. Right. That's the one path that I'm like, no, you're gonna get a child. It could take years. The waiting period could be non ending, but you eventually are going to bring home a child. Yeah, I think I was going to.
[00:20:49] Speaker A: Say that's one of the things that, having been in the community for a very long time, is that at some point you get closer and closer to what it is that is really important to you. Right. You might start, okay, I want an infant. I want to welcome an infant. Right. Regardless of which path, right. We get to that red diamond and it's like infant, right. But for some people, it becomes really, is it an infant? A child? And then at some point, I just want a parent. And I think that if you want to parent and you stay in the community and you stay on this journey, you will eventually get your child. Your child will find you.
So thank you. Yep.
[00:21:34] Speaker B: Yeah. So for the art route, we. And I say art. Some people say our here or there, but we call that preparing.
And this is. There are a lot of similarities in this step. They're called different things. But this is when you're pregnant and now you have a timeline. And I think that's a little bit of the difference between the waiting when you're adopting and the preparing. Because once you know that the pregnancy took, you have somewhat of a timeline where you start preparing.
During that time, nervous excitement, the day is approaching, you have to make plans and arrangement that are a little bit beyond yourself. Right. Financially, there are certain things that you need to start looking for childcare, you need to start looking for all of those things. So you have somewhat of a period where you can prepare for that to happen. Yes.
[00:22:25] Speaker A: Yep. And so, yes, preparing. So I go right from pregnancy into welcoming. So you get past, I think it's like 26 weeks, and then I think that's what they call the point of viability. I know this because my second pregnancy was really an anxious pregnancy. So I was counting down. I was waiting for 26 weeks. And then you're waiting to get into the fourth trimester. I'm sorry. You're waiting to get into the third trimester. I didn't really lean into the pregnancy because I hit a roadblock at 36 weeks, and I was just like, look, I went through all the emotions and I was like, look, I'm just going to. Nothing's going to steal my joy. So I just proceeded and got all the things that I needed to get because there's a time where it's just, it's do or die. If baby's coming, baby's going to need a car seat, a stroller, some diapers.
[00:23:14] Speaker B: Right.
[00:23:14] Speaker A: And you have to make the call. So for some people, it's just like, easy breezy. For other people, it's. You're. You're hedging your bets the entire time.
[00:23:21] Speaker B: That's right. That's right. And that's a little bit what happens with adoption, too. I was told don't buy a single thing, and I'm glad I listened and not buy a single thing because I was, ooh, cribs are on clearance, right. Why don't I just go ahead and get a cribd, not knowing that my 19 month old was already close to 30 pounds and just didn't fit in a crib at all. So the waiting, the preparing looks very different depending on the path that you're going through. But also experience on anyone's path to motherhood is that there's going to be a period in time where you're waiting, preparing, and trying to figure out how, how do you plan for next steps, whether you're able to or not?
[00:24:03] Speaker A: At which point did you. So I know that there is a point where we're thinking guardianship. You're thinking life insurance, you're thinking financial planner, you're thinking all of the things. And is that in the waiting period that we're waiting and preparing as well? Yeah.
[00:24:21] Speaker B: No, not for adoption, because I could not. There was nobody to prepare, like a will for. Like, I had no Social Security number, no name. I didn't know. So I could not prepare for any of that until my son came home. I didn't know. I couldn't. All the financial preparation for me was being able to afford the adoption. Let's talk about the cost of these processes or these journeys that we're going through. Adoption in the United States now costs like $45 to $55,000 if it's successful. And if so, for me, the adoption agency that I went to, I think was $48,000. And if after two years you weren't matched, you had additional cost. Right. They're not keeping you on their books. So after two years, you've invested this 48,000, are you about to pay another 40 something thousand to another agency to broaden your chances of bringing baby home? When I speak of financial preparedness, financial advisors, legal legalities, establishing your will, establishing a trust, most of that I could not do until my child was home.
[00:25:39] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:40] Speaker B: Difference of, when you're going through art.
[00:25:44] Speaker A: As well, you can't do. The only thing that you can do is say, I'm gonna welcome this child. I need a guardian.
[00:25:51] Speaker B: Right.
[00:25:51] Speaker A: Because even still for will, other estate planning things, you still need a Social Security number. But. But I was going to ask you. So around the cost. So IVF, I think, is around what, 12,000 is the national average, and that is for one cycle. And so understanding that these things can take time, and you can go through multiple adoption agencies, you can go through multiple clinics. It's just a money suck while you're in that space of trying, waiting. And sometimes it can just be this loop that you're in.
[00:26:26] Speaker B: Yeah. And it could be astronomical. And really, people go through some hard financial hardship when you have the desire, and it's one thing to do it as a couple, to have financial hardship when there's two incomes coming into the household, but when there's one, it makes it even more challenging.
[00:26:41] Speaker A: Yes. And then, okay, so then my next stage is after you welcome the child, your entire life gets disrupted. You got the car seat, you've got the daycare, then there's the parenting stage. And I think that's where we all just lean into. I don't know what I'm doing. This is all crazy. You little people are crazy. I have to keep you alive, and you need three meals a day.
[00:27:06] Speaker B: And for me, expecting as much as initially, early on, I thought I was going to go through the foster care system, and I knew I was going to get an older child. Then I filed for adoption and it was expecting a newborn when I got the call from my son. He was 19 months old, 30 pounds, wearing a three t. This boy eats right. Like, the reality of welcoming a child home hits you no matter what. And that's a universal experience that we should all talk about. Let's talk about the reality of adopting a toddler. There's trauma there. There's been a massive disruption in their life. We know that children really need routine, and they thrive on routine. So that big disruption made it that it wasn't. The shock of motherhood is going to hit anyone, whether you were pregnant, whether that's just a universal experience. But welcoming baby home is a punch in the gut, and that's just the reality. Yes, you're overwhelmed with love. Yes. You're excited. Yes, you can't believe it. And I didn't know that my heart could expand the way that it has. I didn't know that it would be as painful and scary and that I'd be as nervous as all the cliches that people had said, like, watching your heart is outside of your body is absolutely true. We love it. There's joyous, there's gratitude in welcoming baby home, but there's also. The reality hits you hard. Yes.
[00:28:28] Speaker A: And then. Let's see. So then my last is. So we do parenting, and then we do adult. Yeah, we do adulting. Cause sometimes I will eat my pain and anxiety, and sometimes I will garden my pain and anxiety. And some people shop and some people.
[00:28:45] Speaker B: It's fine. Yeah. You find another way to cope. Right. Because once you're mom, you just. There's going into mom mode, which I've had phases where I'm like, it's all about him, but there's also these phases in this community that you talked about and how we met, where I'm like, okay, I get to make friends. I get to connect that it's not only about me as a solo mom. It's not only me, Regine, as a mother, but that I get to be the human being who connects to other human beings as part of this community, which is invaluable. Right. And a game changer. I just think. Just thinking of the picnic that we had last week, things like that are invaluable. Like, they're part of your parenting journey, and they're one of the joys of parenting, is how I should phrase it.
[00:29:32] Speaker A: Yeah. So I love that we're having this conversation because I can build community, but pulling together all of those resources.
[00:29:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:40] Speaker A: I don't do. I love the fact that through community, a lot of single mothers by choice are finding their path in terms of what's that bigger thing, that bigger drive, that bigger purpose. And I love it when I. You can work together and it doesn't overlap. It just fits nicely. Eugene, tell us more about SMBC resources and where can my listeners find you?
[00:30:03] Speaker B: Yeah, super easy. SMBC resources, all in one word. Solomon by choice. Resources, all in one word. You could find us on Instagram, Facebook, on TikTok. You could even find us on LinkedIn if you wanted to. And then that's our website as well. Smbcresources.com. like I said, my objective here, or the purpose of SMBC resources, is simply a directory of resources for women who are at various stages of this journey. We talked a little bit about finances today. If you need a grant, if the $12,000 is too much, if you're on round three or four and the costs are getting exorbitant, come to us. We know where you could apply for a grant. We know where you can get a scholarship. We know where you could get micro grants as well as grants that will cover the entire cost of your treatment. If you're going through surrogacy, we know of grants that would allow you to pay for that as well. If you're going the adoption route, similar grants, scholarships, classes that you could take, we could get all of that covered on your behalf. But also, we also talked about therapy. We also talked about sometimes you need a coach and somebody to help you through this journey. It's also the directory where you're going to meet coaches and doulas who can really help you navigate or identify where you are in the journey if you're feeling lost, and then practically if you need an attorney. Not all attorneys are equipped to support solo moms by choice. They may be family attorneys, but they may have never encountered. They know how to deal with a single mom. All right, not necessarily a solo mom if you're looking for a financial advisor. Not all financial advisors know how to do family planning, know how to rectify a budget for a solo mom. They may understand it for a single mom who's getting child support from another source, but they don't necessarily understand what it's like for a solo parent to have to manage some of these things. So there are intricacies there that we are gathering, the experts and the guide who are able to help a woman navigate from point a to point b. So if you have any questions. I'm not a community leader. That's not what I do I leave all that to you? I don't have a podcast either. I leave all of that to you. But I do think that the reality is that when people need help, there should be a source or a resource that they could go to to get the tools that they need to be successful. And we're happy to be that.
[00:32:47] Speaker A: And I will send them your way. Well, Regine, thank you for joining me today and I look forward to following your business and keeping up to date on resources. So thank you.
[00:32:58] Speaker B: Thank you. I really appreciate this time. This was a great convo.
[00:33:08] Speaker A: Thanks for listening to start to finish motherhood with Aisha. If you want to keep the conversation going, follow start to finish motherhood on Instagram or email
[email protected] if you love this episode, please share it with anyone who's thinking of becoming a single mother by choice, anyone who's already parenting as a single mother by choice and just looking for advice on navigating it all, or a friend or family member who's looking to support someone else's single mother by choice journey. Until next time. Bye now.
